Our stores are not constantly on fire

I'm sad to say that Legal Counsel is feeling a touch under the weather. But I'm happy to say that she's still cute, even when she's sick. So I was up late last night making sure she didn't pull a Hendrix on me, and I got up early to sneak out and find the magical Witch's Brew that is guaranteed to cure a sick Legal Counsel - Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup, Extra Noodle. This means that I'm a touch sleepy today, so if my post is more of an incoherent ramble than usual, I apologize. Unless you happen to enjoy incoherent rambling, in which case: you're welcome.

As I was saying, I snuck out this morning to find the panacea necessary for Legal Counsel's recovery. And after scouring* three stores, I finally found some. And when I took it to the register, it was...interesting.

Customer 1**
When I arrived at the register, there were three people in line and one guy behind the register (who looked like a 55 year old man child, with all due respect). And none of them were moving. Seriously, they were all standing completely motionless. I was frightened that the governor of California was robbing the place. Or that I was going to interrupt a statue contest. Or that they were zombies. But then one of them blinked, so I decided they just got red-flashy-thingied, which means I just misssed an alien encounter. Zombies don't blink - remember that.

After standing there with no movement for several minutes, the bagger ran (waddled) up with a gallon of milk and gave it to Customer 1. "It took that long to get milk," I thought, "What, was she milking the cow herself?" Then the register guy said, "What took you so long? Were you milking the cow?" Then I felt like a loser for having the same zinger as the register guy. I am ashamed...

Customer 2***
Customer 2 was an old man who, if I had to guess, probably didn't fight in the Vietnam War because he was a college professor at the time. Economics, I bet. But his appearance wasn't what intrigued me - it was his purchase. He was, at 7am, purchasing a single bag of potatoes and nothing else.

Why? Why the hell would somebody be buying a bag of potatoes at 7 in the morning?? I've come up with five theories.

1) He's bootlegging liquor.
2) He's building a trap to catch some Irish.
3) He murdered his wife, and he needs some more ingredients for his stew.
4) He's playing Mr. Potato Head, old school style.
5) Hash browns.

Given his (assumed) history, I'm going with 5...possibly 4 if he's cool.

Customer 3****
Customer 3 was an old lady in one of the store provided electric wheelchairs. she was buying a handful of food and cleaning items totaling $12.97; she paid with quarters. Sigh! I stood there watching her count out her payment, four quarters at a time, and couldn't help but think she was an old lady stereotype. I was a touch annoyed.

But as I was leaving the store after making my purchase, I saw her again. She was returning the store's shopping scooter. She parked the scooter, stood up, then jogged to her car. No a brisk walk, not a rapid shuffle - a full on jog. It was awesome. She instantly went from annoying-old-lady to awesome-old-lady. Anybody who rides a Rascal just for the hell of it is okay in my book. She probably strolled in, saw the scooter, and decided today would finally be the day she went for it. The day I'm old enough to commandeer a scooter without being questioned about it is the day i really start living.

Customer 4
That was me!

Overall, an interesting trip to the store. but next time I think I'll shop at Fairsley. Come in with your kids, leave with your kids. That's the Fairsley difference.

On an unrelated note: why the hell did it get so cold? Who's trying to kill broccoli?



*I used my computer's dictionary to make sure I was using the word "scour" properly, and one of the definitions it gave was "diarrhea in livestock, esp. cattle and pigs." Good to know.
**I wrote "Patient 1" initially, later noticing and changing it. Sad...
***I did it again. So very sad...
****Nailed it this time! who's house? Run's house!