Not the best blog on the internets

Yesterday I was hanging out in the law library (jibbly), when an unexpected guest showed up. Actually, several dozen unexpected guests showed up. A group of students I initially assumed, and later confirmed, to be a group of pre-law undegrads started roaming the library on some sort of publication scavenger hunt. They were loudly discussing where certain books might be found and from the sound of things, our university needs to introduce a general education class which teaches the alphabet. Anyway, the law library isn't the most quiet place on campus but this was ridiculous.

So I left the library and studied in the lounge. And by "studied" I mean "contemplated who had the genius idea of setting a scavenger hunt in the library." Several phrases started springing to mind: "not the sharpest knife in the drawer," "not the brightest bulb in the box," etc. But those phrases aren't good enough. Not good enough! They're so old. Older than Bees, even.

Think about it; "not the sharpest knife in the drawer?" That phrase is probably as old as knives themselves...at least as old as drawers. We need some newer, hipper phrases to describe stupid people. And if there's one thing I know, it's stupidity. Wait...that didn't come out right.

Anyway, I've decided to head up the drive for new stupid people euphemisms. I'll try to keep them in "not the blankest blank in the blank" format, but I make no promises. Ever. I'll start be rewriting some classics, then I'll move on.

The List
"Not the brighest compact fluroescent in the box"
"Not the fastest sonic knife in the drawer"
"Not the cheapest day worker in front of Home Depot"
"Not the brighest bulb in the Lite Brite"
"Not the fastest conducting neuron in the brachial plexus"
"Not the spiciest chalupa in the Taco Bell"
"Not the largest expanding ozone hole in Al Gore's mind"
"Not the fastest extincting species in the rain forest"
"Not the strongest latte in the Starbucks"
"Not the biggest SUV on the road"
"Not the most fuel efficient hybrid in San Francisco"
"Not the strongest coke balloon in the drug mule's stomach"
"Not the sharpest arrow in Ted Nugent's quiver"
"Not the saltiest pretzel wedged in Dubya's throat"
"Not the greediest pharmaceutical company in the US"
"Not the fastest sperm in D-Rock's mom's vagina"
"Not the most well preserved zombie in the shopping mall"
"Not the most stable mason jar of nitroglycerine in Montgomery's fridge"
"Not the most adopted Pound Puppy"
"More of a Michaelangelo than a Donatello" (works with artists and Ninja Turtles - it's a twofer)
"More Snork than Smurf"
"More Go-Bot than Transformer"
"More Power Ranger than Voltron"
"More Golden Girls than Golden Girls
"More Cabbage Patch Kid than Garbage Pail Kid"
"More M.U.S.C.L.E. than Monster in my Pocket" - wait, both those things are awesome. Scratch it.
"More Filmation's Ghostbusters than The Real Ghostbusters"
"More D-Rock than Montgomery"
"More Leno than Conan"
"More Gettin' Jiggy wit It Will Smith than Parents Just Don't Understand Will Smith"
"More Funky Bunch than Marky Mark"
"More radio than vaudeville"
"He's no William McKinley"

Okay, I'm out of control. But that should be enough to get you all started. Stop using those old and busted phrases and start using my new hotness.