Too close for comfort

I generally don't pay attention to song lyrics. When you've got the location of every churro vendor in Disneyland memorized, it becomes difficult for your brain to sort through new information. So my lyrical knowledge is limited to songs about Mr. Roboto, big butts, and purple rain.

Fortunately for me, however, Legal Counsel knows the lyrics to every song ever. It's evidence in my theory that the part of the brain dedicated to movie quotes in guys is dedicated to song lyrics in girls. But sometimes she apprises me of the lyrics to a song that remind me why I never listen to the words. This time around, that song is "Too Close" by Next. From wikipedia:

The song is about how the singer gets an erection when he dances too close to his girl...It spent five non-consecutive weeks at the top of the chart.

While I sppreciate the similarity with Grover Cleveland, I do not appreciate the subject matter. Not for any moral or religious reasons, but because they're singing about the most awkward thing that can happen to a guy. Are you trying to give me flashbacks of my uncomfortable teenage years? Let's look at some highlights:

• "I wonder if she could tell I'm hard right now"
• "Uh oh? You feel that? Alright...you done did it"
• "You're making it hard for me"
• "It's almost like we're sexin'"
• "I feel a little poke comin' through, on you"
• "My corpus cavernosum is engorged with blood, thus ensuring erection"

Do you see what I mean? So vulgar. Okay, so maybe that last one isn't in the song, but the rest of them are! The lyrics range from innuendo to straight up (no pun intended) penile description. And by the way, Next, I wouldn't be singing about my "little" poke if I was you.

I'm outraged. Outraged! Google image search, show them how outraged I am:This song is not appropriate and I don't know how it got the greenlight. Remember, I'm not upset by the sexually explicit subject matter, just at how it reminds me of my embarrassing youth. If I had a nickel for every time I had to stay seated at my desk with a backpack on my lap after the bell rang, I'd have several nickels. Don't look so appalled - I really like chemistry.

I don't know who these lyrics are supposed to appeal to. For men, it just reminds us how little control we have over our bodies. Accidentally rubbing an erection against the woman you're dancing with isn't something to brag about. Even during a lap dance it's considered a faux pas. Trust me.

For women, it borders on sexual harassment. I'm not a woman (that I know of...wink), but I probably wouldn't take this as a compliment. Or would I? Wink. I wouldn't. Wink. Stupid twitchy eye. wink.

And for both sexes, it brings back horrible prom memories.

Montgomery Guy: "Uhh, sorry. It's my boutonniere."
Girl: "Your boutonniere is in your jacket buttonhole."
Montgomery Guy:"Yeah...it's my backup boutonniere."
Girl:"Why would you need a backup boutonniere?"
Montgomery Guy:"Umm, In case I get a...massive erection poking you in the hip? Damn it!"

This disturbing look at Montgomery's past brought to you by the B and number one.