Death be not proud

There have been lots of talks about death, dying and grief in our classes lately. Pretty depressing, but also a good time for reflection and thoughts about our own lives. In order to get us to think about our own mortality, one lecturer this week told us to close our eyes and imagine our "ideal death." He then asked us if we pictured ourselves dying at home, in a hospital or in a hospice and started giving statistics about where people die.

I imagined a lot of scenarios, but none of them involved any of those places. Nice try though. If I die in a bed, things have gone horribly wrong. Don't get me wrong, home/hospital/hospice is a great way to go, but Montgomery is the kind of cowboy that wants to die with his boots on.

But I do appreciate the way you broke it down into three categories: home, hospital and hospice. Three is the magic number, after all. So in deference to your knowledge in the field, I'll break my "ideal deaths" into three categories as well: peaceful, violent and naked.

Peaceful
"Peaceful" in this context does not be "eyes closed, resting." No no, in this case "peaceful" means "not currently violent." This is probably the least desired category, but not without its charms. Top 8:

1. Riding a nuclear bomb like a cowboy as it plummets to earth.
2. Drifting into space with no hope of rescue, preferably listening to Bowie's "Space Oddity" or Schilling's "Major Tom."
3. Happily sacrificing my life to detonate a bomb which will destroy an asteroid on a collision course with Earth, while listening to Aerosmith.
4. Out-of-body experience gone wrong.
5. Out-of-body experience gone right...*wink*.
6. Poisoned (in my ear) while sleeping by a usurper.
7. Driving off a cliff with Larkitect while being chased by cops after a weekend of bank-robbery.
8. Massive stroke mid Disneyland ride.

Violent
A close second to "naked," a violent death is a good way to go. From "hail of gunfire" to "impaled by spear," violent deaths have a long proud history. Top 8:

1. Hail of gunfire.
2. Crushed to death by robots, specifically the Crush-o-Tron 5000.
3. Eaten by zombies, probably by a former friend I didn't have the heart to destroy.
4. Monkey knife fight.
5. Disintegrated by ray gun while using a flagpole (with American Flag) as a weapon to charge attacking aliens.
6. Buried under the corpses of my enemies.
7. Eaten by a malfunctioning Pirate of the Caribbean.
8. Impaled by spear.

Naked
"I was born naked and I'm going to die naked." It's the way to go: classy, memorable and with style. Naked death takes excellent timing and confidence, two things I lack. But I'm in training! Top 8:

1. Throws of passion.
2. Heart attack while streaking.
3. Naked monkey knife fight.
4. Killed by police after a bank robbery goes horribly, horribly wrong.
5. Killed by police after a bank robbery goes horribly, horribly right...*wink*.
6. Severe hip trauma after being kidnapped by amazons.
7. Abducted by aliens, death during "the probe."
8. Massive stroke mid Disneyland ride.

As you can see, my vision of death is considerably less common than those listed in class. But they are in no way less relevant. Don't marginalize my dreams!

Maybe some day I'll tell you what I want to happen to my body after I die. It's much more disturbing...