Hoppy Belated Easter!
Easter fell on a Sunday this year, so I didn't have a chance to blog about it. But I still want to inform you, my loyal readers, about the truth behind Easter. I did it for Valentine's Day, and I hope to extend it to most of the formerly religious commercial holidays.
People are always asking me, "Hey Montgomery, why are you stealing the copper wiring from the walls of my house?" But after tapping the handle of my pistol they quickly change the subject to, "Don't worry about it, pal. Hey, while you're here I had a question. What's the deal with Easter? Eggs? Bunnies?"
I usually feed them some lies about the Goddess Eostre, rabbits being a pagan symbol for fertility adopted by Christians, and the egg representing Jesus' rock tomb. And they believe it! Suckers...
But I'm ready to teach you all the truth. You've remained loyal throughout my scandals (Cheryl Ladd is lying about me!), and it's high time I rewarded you. So here we go.
-----
Good Friday. 1322. England.
Peasants were working hard to earn just barely enough money to support their families, of which they would give half to the church and nearly starve to death. Feudal lords and clergymen were rolling around in piles of gold coins and ye olde hookers. Robin Hood was still dead. All was right in the kingdom.
Until they showed up.
They in this context means an advanced race of cyborgs from Xarlon 75. They showed up in flying corn cob shaped spaceships at exactly noon o'clock. The stupid medieval people ran up, thinking them to be angels. Those people were the first to be sucked into the corn cobs through straw like vaccum tubes.
Nobody knows why they showed up. Some say they were looking for a food source, and humans were rumored to make their own gravy when served in water. Some say they needed a new homeworld, having wrecked their own. Some say they were blood-thirsty kill machines, much like Earth's bears. I happen to know the truth. They came to Earth to grind us up and use us as paste for a papier-mâché sculpture of their Grand Warlord, Vondrook the Killtacular.
Good Friday became Holy Saturday and the sucking and squishing continued. That is until one village took a stand. A group of farmers, with no real weapons to speak of, began throwing eggs at the attackers. As luck would have it, the cyborgs were not prepared for a fat-soluble assault, and therefore were helpless when the eggs gummed up their sensors and delicate machinery. The peasants were then free hit them with rakes and shovels. And those little spiky hand tools you use when you're gardening to loosen up the soil, they worked pretty well. Great success!
Word spread quickly of the enemies weakness for eggs, and a counterassault was mounted around the country. But word spread among the enemy as well. They knew of this weakness being exploited and reprogrammed their dodge/duck/dip/dive/dodge reflexes to avert round white missiles. The two sides were at a stalemate.
That is until my great^30 grandfather, Montgomeri the Crazy, came up with a plan. Decorate the eggs with vinegar based dyes, glitter, and shrink paper. By making the eggs pretty, the enemies sensors would get confused and they wouldn't be able to avoid the assault. After an initial test proved successful, Montgomeri and seven score peasants began painting the eggs with Montgomeri's barn of supplies. People always wondered why he had a barn full of vinegar based dyes, glitter, and shrink paper, but nobody dared ask. He had the cold dead eyes of a killer.
The "Battle of the Pretty Eggs and Evil Sky Monsters," as the unoriginal peasants called it, was a great triumph! Cyborgs were getting gummed up left and/or right. To dispose of the nullified (yet still living) cyborgs, Montgomeri and his band of merry men released a batch of carnivorous rabbits onto the battlefield, which would devour the conquered foes. Montgomeri had been breeding the blood-hungry rabbits for years, and again nobody dared ask why.
The cyborgs were defeated on Easter Sunday and Earth went back to normal. Only problem: the church and government couldn't let people know that mere peasants had the ingenuity and strength to defeat the alien cyborgs. So they disavowed all knowledge of the events, and their bravery was doomed to be forgotten.
That is until Montgomeri's royal mistress, Lady Legul Counsul, managed to sneak a reminder into the royal Easter celebrations. Colored eggs would be dispensed by a man in a rabbit costume, and the peasants would always have a memory of that fateful weekend. The royal family was far too inbred to question it. They just liked the giant bunny.
Candy and chocolates were added later because...well...everybody loves candy and chocolate. Also it was a plan by the Man to keep the peasants down via diabetes. Stupid The Man....
-----
So there you have it. The true story behind Easter. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat some more peyote.
People are always asking me, "Hey Montgomery, why are you stealing the copper wiring from the walls of my house?" But after tapping the handle of my pistol they quickly change the subject to, "Don't worry about it, pal. Hey, while you're here I had a question. What's the deal with Easter? Eggs? Bunnies?"
I usually feed them some lies about the Goddess Eostre, rabbits being a pagan symbol for fertility adopted by Christians, and the egg representing Jesus' rock tomb. And they believe it! Suckers...
But I'm ready to teach you all the truth. You've remained loyal throughout my scandals (Cheryl Ladd is lying about me!), and it's high time I rewarded you. So here we go.
-----
Good Friday. 1322. England.
Peasants were working hard to earn just barely enough money to support their families, of which they would give half to the church and nearly starve to death. Feudal lords and clergymen were rolling around in piles of gold coins and ye olde hookers. Robin Hood was still dead. All was right in the kingdom.
Until they showed up.
They in this context means an advanced race of cyborgs from Xarlon 75. They showed up in flying corn cob shaped spaceships at exactly noon o'clock. The stupid medieval people ran up, thinking them to be angels. Those people were the first to be sucked into the corn cobs through straw like vaccum tubes.
Nobody knows why they showed up. Some say they were looking for a food source, and humans were rumored to make their own gravy when served in water. Some say they needed a new homeworld, having wrecked their own. Some say they were blood-thirsty kill machines, much like Earth's bears. I happen to know the truth. They came to Earth to grind us up and use us as paste for a papier-mâché sculpture of their Grand Warlord, Vondrook the Killtacular.
Good Friday became Holy Saturday and the sucking and squishing continued. That is until one village took a stand. A group of farmers, with no real weapons to speak of, began throwing eggs at the attackers. As luck would have it, the cyborgs were not prepared for a fat-soluble assault, and therefore were helpless when the eggs gummed up their sensors and delicate machinery. The peasants were then free hit them with rakes and shovels. And those little spiky hand tools you use when you're gardening to loosen up the soil, they worked pretty well. Great success!
Word spread quickly of the enemies weakness for eggs, and a counterassault was mounted around the country. But word spread among the enemy as well. They knew of this weakness being exploited and reprogrammed their dodge/duck/dip/dive/dodge reflexes to avert round white missiles. The two sides were at a stalemate.
That is until my great^30 grandfather, Montgomeri the Crazy, came up with a plan. Decorate the eggs with vinegar based dyes, glitter, and shrink paper. By making the eggs pretty, the enemies sensors would get confused and they wouldn't be able to avoid the assault. After an initial test proved successful, Montgomeri and seven score peasants began painting the eggs with Montgomeri's barn of supplies. People always wondered why he had a barn full of vinegar based dyes, glitter, and shrink paper, but nobody dared ask. He had the cold dead eyes of a killer.
The "Battle of the Pretty Eggs and Evil Sky Monsters," as the unoriginal peasants called it, was a great triumph! Cyborgs were getting gummed up left and/or right. To dispose of the nullified (yet still living) cyborgs, Montgomeri and his band of merry men released a batch of carnivorous rabbits onto the battlefield, which would devour the conquered foes. Montgomeri had been breeding the blood-hungry rabbits for years, and again nobody dared ask why.
The cyborgs were defeated on Easter Sunday and Earth went back to normal. Only problem: the church and government couldn't let people know that mere peasants had the ingenuity and strength to defeat the alien cyborgs. So they disavowed all knowledge of the events, and their bravery was doomed to be forgotten.
That is until Montgomeri's royal mistress, Lady Legul Counsul, managed to sneak a reminder into the royal Easter celebrations. Colored eggs would be dispensed by a man in a rabbit costume, and the peasants would always have a memory of that fateful weekend. The royal family was far too inbred to question it. They just liked the giant bunny.
Candy and chocolates were added later because...well...everybody loves candy and chocolate. Also it was a plan by the Man to keep the peasants down via diabetes. Stupid The Man....
-----
So there you have it. The true story behind Easter. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat some more peyote.
posted by Montgomery at 8:29 AM
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