Velocirapture
With the end of the world being tomorrow and all, I figured I should go out with one last blog post. You know, one for the road. Or one for the light beam or Bifrost or whatever it is that will carry us to Heaven.
That's right, "us." I'm getting raptured up to Heaven, unlike all of you heathens. Not on my own, of course. On a scale of 1 to Mother Theresa, I put my odds of being raptured somewhere between Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, I plan on clinging to a non-Catholic priest at the last second and going up stowaway style. Just like that whale lady grabbing on to Kirk to sneak into the 23rd century in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
Sure it won't be a true rapture, but it will still count - kind of like a statutory rapture. So I'll be up in Heaven enjoying The End Times in the lap of luxury (presumably with mountains of cocaine and free-but-quality hookers) and you, my pitiable readers, will be stuck in Hell-on-Earth. The best you can hope for is a Mad Max or Book of Eli, but really you'll be looking at more of a Cormac McCarthy's The Road type situation. Jibbly. If I were you I'd cross my fingers and hope somebody with your name has been really good, and that the rapture beam operator isn't terribly bright.
Even with my happy ending fast approaching, I still have my regrets. Buying so many Treasury Bills that reach maturity on 22 May 2011 is one. Not updating this blog more often is another. Of course I wish I'd spent more time with my family. But man, that Treasury Bill thing is really going to kill me.
I'm curious what's going to happen in the 5 months between rapture and the true end of the world. Obviously I'm hoping for zombies, and apparently that's where the CDC has their money, too. Other possible options include (in order of likelihood):
On that nugget, I will bid you a fond adieu. If we don't make it past tomorrow, so long and thanks for all the ish!
That's right, "us." I'm getting raptured up to Heaven, unlike all of you heathens. Not on my own, of course. On a scale of 1 to Mother Theresa, I put my odds of being raptured somewhere between Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, I plan on clinging to a non-Catholic priest at the last second and going up stowaway style. Just like that whale lady grabbing on to Kirk to sneak into the 23rd century in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
Sure it won't be a true rapture, but it will still count - kind of like a statutory rapture. So I'll be up in Heaven enjoying The End Times in the lap of luxury (presumably with mountains of cocaine and free-but-quality hookers) and you, my pitiable readers, will be stuck in Hell-on-Earth. The best you can hope for is a Mad Max or Book of Eli, but really you'll be looking at more of a Cormac McCarthy's The Road type situation. Jibbly. If I were you I'd cross my fingers and hope somebody with your name has been really good, and that the rapture beam operator isn't terribly bright.
Even with my happy ending fast approaching, I still have my regrets. Buying so many Treasury Bills that reach maturity on 22 May 2011 is one. Not updating this blog more often is another. Of course I wish I'd spent more time with my family. But man, that Treasury Bill thing is really going to kill me.
I'm curious what's going to happen in the 5 months between rapture and the true end of the world. Obviously I'm hoping for zombies, and apparently that's where the CDC has their money, too. Other possible options include (in order of likelihood):
1. FloodJust remember, no matter the situation you can never have too many shotguns.
2. Fire
3. Famine
4. Irresistibly cute bunnies that explode into poison gas clouds when approached
5. Plague
On that nugget, I will bid you a fond adieu. If we don't make it past tomorrow, so long and thanks for all the ish!
posted by Montgomery at 6:29 PM
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