Top of the muffin to you!

Happy belated St Patrick's Day! I like St Patty's day for several reasons. First, I like the color green. Even if it isn't easy being it. Second, the first time Legal Counsel and I went to Disneyland together was on or around St Patrick's Day. Third, it's an excuse to drink. Fourth, it's an excuse to eat slimy beef and gas-inducing vegetables:


Fifth, and perhaps most of all, is the Shamrock Shake. I've probably written multiple times on the virtues of the Shamrock Shake, but I can't emphasize enough how amazing it is. This semi-gelatinous, unnaturally green beverage truly is modern ambrosia. Here it is, in all its glory:


Unfortunately, when Legal Counsel and I went to McDonald's, we had to endure this delightful exchange.

(Legal Counsel is wearing a sweater with Mickey Mouse on it)
McDonald's Lady: If you think Disney is popular here, you should see it in China.
Legal Counsel: Oh, have you been to China?
McDonald's Lady: No, but in the Chinese Cultural Center here they have a whole wall of Disney in their movie room.
(awkward silence while I ignore the fact that every store in America that sells DVD's has a Disney section)
McDonald's Lady: They even put Mickey in one of those Chinese hats!
(awakward silence. What the hell is a Chinese hat?)
McDonald's Lady: I have a theory that animation from one culture is always more popular in other cultures. Like the Chinese. And Mexicans.

As you can see, things started to get a little racist. Why do things always go racist around me? Anyway, we managed to keep our trappers shut and politely nod long enough to avoid getting a green, slimy lougie in our green, slimy drinks.

Only 356 days until St Patrick's Day 2011...

I'm looking at the man in the mirror

I know I haven’t written in quite some time, and for that I apologize. Before you judge me too harshly, just hear me out. And I know, excuses are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink. But also like assholes, I have two excuses. First, I work a lot. That’s pretty self explanatory. The second reason…well, that takes a little more explanation.

You see, I’ve developed an interest in someone other than my wife. And that interest takes a significant portion of my time - thinking about this person, trying to catch glimpses of them, etc. I know it’s wrong to announce a bombshell like that on the internets before I‘ve even told my wife, the lovely Legal Counsel, but I don’t have the chutzpah to say it to her face and she has to find out somehow.

The person of interest in this scenario is our neighbor. A magnificent specimen of a human being, I must say. I first laid eyes on him fairly soon after moving into our marital nest, but my infatuation has taken some time to blossom.

He’s in his late forties or early fifties. He’s not a fan of wearing shirts while in his condo, or of keeping the blinds closed, or of exercise. He is a fan of food, and watching TV, and body hair. I’ve tried to come up with the best way to describe him, and I’ve found that I need to invent new phrases to adequately illustrate his semblance. The two best are fleshglobe and meatsphere.

If you had a friend who thought himself to be hilarious but others thought to be vulgar and offensive (aka Montgomery), and that friend decided to dress as a giant scrotum for Halloween, he would probably look much like our neighbor. Round…hairy…but not quite as wrinkly as the real thing.

Normally I wouldn’t be so concerned with a morbidly obese man. A person’s health and lifestyle are their own business and I’m no Adonis myself. But this guy’s body is so prominently and unashamedly on display that I feel he’s inviting discussion. Hell, this could be some really high concept modern art exhibit of which I’m totally oblivious. And if it is, then I say bravo. This is way more provocative than that Jackson Pollack hack.

So I find myself walking back and forth between my car and my condo, hoping that he’ll be there in all his half-naked, quarter-ton glory. So every time you find yourself on my blog and fail to see a new post, realize that I’m thinking of that beefcake. And you should do the same thing.

Ooh, beefcake - that’s another good descriptor.