Guppy Breathing

I was walking out of a Best Buy when I discovered that little gem sitting on the quarter toy machine. Apparently it's an educational booklet put out by the EPA to educate children about asthma. But like so many things in life, it confuses and befuddles me.

I understand the reason for making your representative a goldfish. Nobody is allergic to goldfish, and you can't even touch 'em anyway. Slimy bastards. But if you're picking a hypoallergenic spokescreature, why name him "Dusty?" That's a trigger! With this approach you lose all the cuddle-factor while still evoking the image of worsening respiratory status. Go entirely hypoallergenic or not at all, don't half-ass it. If you made a line of kosher food products, you wouldn't make the mascot "Adolf the Dreidel."

Also, "asthma triggers" and "funbook" don't really belong in the same sentence. Maybe the Better Breathing Funbook would be more aprapos. There's nothing fun about having your asthma triggered. Except for all the attention, and hospital food, and (if you're at PCH) playing video games with the Child Life people. Okay, I take it back. PCH is pretty sweet, and it is a little fun to be there. Just ask "Histamine the Anaphylactic Shock Bumble Bee" and his Allergic Reaction Funbook.

If you'd like to see the book in it's entirety, check it out here. In the meantime, I'm working on a new mascot for the next edition. Meet Puff Daddy, the Asthma Metered Dose Inhaler:

Yikes! So angry! Maybe needs a little work...

That's enough, Justin Bieber

(please note, if you are Justin Bieber or if you've contracted Bieber Fever I'd advise you to stop reading right now. And may god have mercy on your soul)

What's the deal with this kid? He seriously creeps me the hell out. Let's break it down:

1. He is way too young to be singing the things he sings. His first album was released when he was 15, and it contained such songs as One Time, One Less Lonely Girl, and Love Me. You are not old enough to be singing about loving the ladies! Or in his words, "I'm c__ing for you." Inappropriate!

I'm not a stuffy old man, I know that kids are growing up faster these days. And with "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" starring the underage Taylor Lautner, pedophilia is so hot right now. But come on, people. You need to wait until at least Tanner Stage 3 before singing songs about "how many ____ you ______" (his lyrics, not mine).

2. What's with the hair, dude? It looks like you were inspired by Julia Roberts in Hook. But to be fair, who wasn't?

Alternatively, it looks like Captain Caveman is giving birth to your face.

3. Too much collagen in the lips, bra. You're like a slightly more masculine version of Angelina Jolie. Scratch that, she can kick ass. A slightly less masculine version of Angelina Jolie.

4. People have actually been trampled trying to see him. Trampled! Don't get me wrong, I love a good trampling. It's even fun to say...trample. But you've got to save your tramplings for important things, like Apple store openings and iCarly appearances. If you start trampling your friends for every flash-in-the-pan teen pop sensation, they'll lose their meaning. Why do you think we don't run people out of town on a rail anymore?

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There you have it, America. 3 good reasons and 1 mediocre reason to grow bored with Justin Bieber. Sorry, Bieber, it's time for you to spend the rest of eternity in Fólkvangr away from the rest of us.

I managed to mention Justin Bieber, Twilight, Taylor Lautner and iCarly all in one post. Now I just need to sit back and wait for all the unsuspecting tween googlers to be lured into my trap.