Dewey Decimal Systemic Lupus Erythematosus
That would probably be the most difficult Jeopardy Before & After ever. They should hire me. Anyway, I'm bored studying so here are some library studying updates (LSUs):
We're studying at the "study stations," as I like to call them (I actually just made up the term) It's basically just little desk areas adjacent to one another, separated by small dividers. The way computerized tests are set up. I was standing up, talking to an also standing Legal Counsel (who is looking quite beautiful, by the way). She went to sit down and signaled that I do the same.
The method I chose for sitting down was as follows: 1) bend forward at waist, 2) bend knees to lower both position and center of gravity, and 3) lean back into the chair. Apparently that was too complicated. During step 1, I bent forward surprisingly fast. Picture the speed karate dudes travel at when attempting to break cinder blocks with their faces, or the speed at which D-Rock's mom goes in to earn her $1 ($0.50 on Tuesdays). Combine that velocity with the fact that my angle was slightly askew (probably from staring at notes for too long). Askew...is a word which here means alligned perfectly to place my forehead directly into one of those dividers. Not midway down the divider either. I'm talking right at the corner.
Whammy! My forehead slams full force into that thing and I fall into my chair. The sound of that collision echoes through the hallowed halls of this venerated med library halls to this very day. Through my blurred vision, in the seconds I had before blacking out, I could see Legal Counsel looking concerned whilst stifling laughter. She's so sweet.
Fortunately, my skull is roughly 2 cm thicker than a normal human (accounting for my giant melon). It's built for this kind of impact. Being of British heritage, I should fully expect to headbutt somebody at a moment's notice. A normal human would have gone Humpty Dumpty all over the desk. And all of Kling's horses and all of Kling's men couldn't put your ass back together again. Fortunately I survived. With a bump and a red mark. Stupid li-berry...
Once I regained consciousness and my diplopia went away, I went for a stroll through the books to get the old blood flowing. We don't want any DVTs this close to finals. Walking through the shelving units, I felt myself reminded of Athens in the springtime. Light shining down on me, the smell of olives lingering in the cool air, and philosophers standing in the streets shouting random crazy stuff. No, wait, that's not it. Why was I reminded of Athens...?
Oh, right. There are greeks everywhere. When did this happen? Fratties and Sorries are all up in my grill. No wonder I couldn't find a table. Greeks don't study! Especially not in my hood. It's against the natural order. Greeks are supposed to commit acts of drunken debauchery and sexual misconduct, not read. I didn't even think they could read! They're supposed to get bad grades, then complain to/sleep with their professors until it gets fixed.
And this strange turn of events especially shouldn't take place in the med library. This place is for med students, pharm students, various PhD students, nursing students, and that homeless guy who has a different colored flannel shirt every time I see him. You undergrads have your own library. You know, the big building where you can get your feet drawn on the fourth floor? Go back to your home. Are you too good for your home?
Phew...that's enough ranting for now. Back to studying.
No, one more thing. A bit of advice for any readers out there: the toilet in the non-handicapped stall in the men's room of med library third floor flushes at dangerously high speeds. You're going to get some splash back - maybe even in the face. My advice to you is "flush, then run like hell." Open the door first, so you don't get hung up in the unlocking process. Once that happens, you're a dead man. This goes double if there's any poo in there. Triple. Quadruple. In fact, don't even flush if there's poo. It's just not worth it. Go tell a frat boy you'll give him a Dave Matthews CD if he does it for you. Then take his table. Then tell him the CD was actually in the toilet. Sucker...
We're studying at the "study stations," as I like to call them (I actually just made up the term) It's basically just little desk areas adjacent to one another, separated by small dividers. The way computerized tests are set up. I was standing up, talking to an also standing Legal Counsel (who is looking quite beautiful, by the way). She went to sit down and signaled that I do the same.
The method I chose for sitting down was as follows: 1) bend forward at waist, 2) bend knees to lower both position and center of gravity, and 3) lean back into the chair. Apparently that was too complicated. During step 1, I bent forward surprisingly fast. Picture the speed karate dudes travel at when attempting to break cinder blocks with their faces, or the speed at which D-Rock's mom goes in to earn her $1 ($0.50 on Tuesdays). Combine that velocity with the fact that my angle was slightly askew (probably from staring at notes for too long). Askew...is a word which here means alligned perfectly to place my forehead directly into one of those dividers. Not midway down the divider either. I'm talking right at the corner.
Whammy! My forehead slams full force into that thing and I fall into my chair. The sound of that collision echoes through the hallowed halls of this venerated med library halls to this very day. Through my blurred vision, in the seconds I had before blacking out, I could see Legal Counsel looking concerned whilst stifling laughter. She's so sweet.
Fortunately, my skull is roughly 2 cm thicker than a normal human (accounting for my giant melon). It's built for this kind of impact. Being of British heritage, I should fully expect to headbutt somebody at a moment's notice. A normal human would have gone Humpty Dumpty all over the desk. And all of Kling's horses and all of Kling's men couldn't put your ass back together again. Fortunately I survived. With a bump and a red mark. Stupid li-berry...
Once I regained consciousness and my diplopia went away, I went for a stroll through the books to get the old blood flowing. We don't want any DVTs this close to finals. Walking through the shelving units, I felt myself reminded of Athens in the springtime. Light shining down on me, the smell of olives lingering in the cool air, and philosophers standing in the streets shouting random crazy stuff. No, wait, that's not it. Why was I reminded of Athens...?
Oh, right. There are greeks everywhere. When did this happen? Fratties and Sorries are all up in my grill. No wonder I couldn't find a table. Greeks don't study! Especially not in my hood. It's against the natural order. Greeks are supposed to commit acts of drunken debauchery and sexual misconduct, not read. I didn't even think they could read! They're supposed to get bad grades, then complain to/sleep with their professors until it gets fixed.
And this strange turn of events especially shouldn't take place in the med library. This place is for med students, pharm students, various PhD students, nursing students, and that homeless guy who has a different colored flannel shirt every time I see him. You undergrads have your own library. You know, the big building where you can get your feet drawn on the fourth floor? Go back to your home. Are you too good for your home?
Phew...that's enough ranting for now. Back to studying.
No, one more thing. A bit of advice for any readers out there: the toilet in the non-handicapped stall in the men's room of med library third floor flushes at dangerously high speeds. You're going to get some splash back - maybe even in the face. My advice to you is "flush, then run like hell." Open the door first, so you don't get hung up in the unlocking process. Once that happens, you're a dead man. This goes double if there's any poo in there. Triple. Quadruple. In fact, don't even flush if there's poo. It's just not worth it. Go tell a frat boy you'll give him a Dave Matthews CD if he does it for you. Then take his table. Then tell him the CD was actually in the toilet. Sucker...
posted by Montgomery at 10:44 PM
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