Goblins sing sweetly to cats

I just got a totally bizarre email. It is as follows (with bold added for my own emphasis):

We are happy to present you with six deals from four different brokers.

Please remember that there is no commitment required on your part, and your credit is not an issue.

Please validate your information with our secure and private database to ensure our records are up to date and accurate.

http://conqu3r.net/p2.asp

Have a good day.

Sincerely,

Kayla Moss
Customer Service Rep.
eKLID Inc.

Guys named "Pete" punish Aggies. Gerbils are more fun than herpetologists. Cows of today will be tomorrow's geniuses. Flatworms deny that the tenors annoy student senators.
Why do insurance agents deny that the copy machine repairmen will someday destroy the women? Many dinosaurs take care of monsters. Goblins sing sweetly to cats. Children leer at intellectuals!

Up until that last paragraph, it's your normal run-of-the-mill phishing email. Phishing, for those of you not down with the lingo, is email sent out in the attempt to collect personal/financial information from dumbasses. I'm sure if I clicked the link to "validate" my information, it would ask for my credit card info, etc. Although, six deals from four different brokers sounds tempting...

But what the hell is up with the last paragraph?? Sure, everything in it is true, but why put that at the end of an email meant to look official? Although it offers lots of opportunity for self reflection and contemplating universal truths.

For example - "Gerbils are more fun than herpetologists." It's totally true! Think about it: Herpetologists just blab about reptiles and amphibians all the time. They lack basic people skills, eschewing them for affiliation with scaly things. Gerbils, however, run on wheels, eat food pellets and drink from upside-down bottles. What's not fun about that? So I agree, crazy email, gerbils are more fun than herpetologists.

Some people may be confused. Let me clarify, a herpetologist is not somebody who studies my crotch.

Haiku, Live from Class

Sitting in histo
Doc St. John is lecturing
Want to touch his 'stache

NYP #5: March of the Aquatic Birds

Delicious Puffins!


Awesome Penguins!


These photos brought to you courtesy of the Central Park Zoo, which was grossly misrepresented in Madagascar.

Puffins are nothern hemisphere, Penguins are southern hemisphere. Penguins are cooler. No pun intended.

NYP #4: Brick Out

During our trip to New York City, we went to the Empire State Building. Something that touristy demands a visit. It was fun. We were high up. On a building. Yeah. It's more fun than it sounds. Really. Here, take a look:

See? Fun!

But all that fun came to a screeching halt when I discovered what I call The International Conspicuous Brick Mystery™, or ICBM (I hope that acronym isn't already taken - I'd have to reorder the t shirts). If you're afraid of conspiracies, read no further. If you are nervous about secret societies and international subterfuge, close your internets explorer now. If you love coffee, go here. If you're ready to have your eyes opened, read on and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

What you're about to see may keep you up at night. It might give you nightmares. It might be built up for comedic effect and because of my writer's block. Whatever the case, it will have some impact on your fragile psyche. Without further ado, I present to you:

A single wooden brick

Bit of a let down? Hehe, suckers...you probably thought it would be something intriguing.

But seriously, what the hell? Every brick at the top of the Empire State building is regular stone brick. Except this one. Why?? Does it have historical significance? Was their a really cheap maintenance work? Or is it a signal to spies, containing a message or emergency supplies?

My vote is for the latter. Think about it - a brick that stands out so much that nobody would expect it to have secrets. If I was looking for secret messages, I'd try to find the most average brick. I don't know how I'd do that, but...shut up.

My theory is further supported by the next discovery:

A missing brick

This missing brick was (not) found at Liberty Island, home of the world famous Statue of Liberty Island.

I know what you're saying - "That brick was probably broken or stolen." Oh, and imagine you said that in a high pitch, whiny voice. If only life were that easy, smart guy. Two historic sites. Two conspicuous brick locations. Coincidence? I think not. Obviously they carry secret messages, or clues in a scavenger hunt. The message at Liberty Island was already discovered, while the message at the Empire State building is waiting to be found. I only wish I had looked under that wooden brick. But seing its secrets might have shaken the foundation of my very existence...

I only hope The International Conspicuous Brick Mystery doesn't ruin my life, and the lives of anybody reading this. Maybe I should have kept it to myself.

This post brought to you by writer's block, boredom, schizophrenia, the letter B and the number 9.

NYP #3: Suicide, New York Style

One of the great things about New York is the proliferation of delis. Everywhere you look, you can see a New York deli. And the food at these fine establishments is always delicious. The meat is perfectly prepared, condiments add just the right amount of spice and the cheese is expertly...cheesed. Everything about a New York deli sandwich reflects the pinnacle of human accomplishment.

Notice, however, that I did not mention the bread. The bread might as well not be there. It only serves to provide a flimsy pretext to call the concoction a sandwich. You might find this hard to believe, but the bread is actually thinner than the deli meat it surrounds. The proportion of bread to non bread roughly equals the proportion of argon to all other gases in Earth's atmosphere.

And NY deli sandwiches are not exactly synonymous with healthy eating. When you order a sandwich, they hit you with about two pounds of fatty meat, one pound of pure cheesy goodness and 1 milligram of bread. It really is a heart attack on a plate. If you live in New York and want to kill yourself you have two solid options. Jump off a building or eat two deli sandwiches in one day.

With these descriptions and warnings in mind, i present to you:

The Mamma Mia!

This culinary monstrosity is brought to you courtesy of the Stage Deli, famous for naming its sandwiches after celebrities and (apparently) Broadway shows. This fine gourmet specimen contains corned beef, turkey and swiss cheese on a sliver of rye bread. I'll tell you right now that it was delicious. And despite my most valiant efforts, I was unable to finish it. After reaching the 80% mark I fell to my knees, humbled by its meaty goodness.

This sandwich also came with a side order of shame. After eating that much corned beef, turkey and swiss I felt ashamed of myself. I could actually hear my arteries hardening. I also had a brief glimpse of myself suffering a massive heart attack in about 20 years. So in summary, this sandwich evoked the following things: humility, shame, atherosclerosis and clairvoyance. Pretty impressive for a pile of meat, cheese, and bread - don't you think?

And if that wasn't enough, we then ordered a slice of New York cheesecake. I don't have a picture, but I can say that it was the richest cheesecake I'd ever tasted and it was about as big as a 4-month-old child. Topping myself off with that abomination unto the Lord sent me into an out-of-body experience. It was glorious...

NYP #2: Cruising to the Church

While in New York, my family and I decided to go to church. It was right near times Square. But it wasn't just any church. Oh no, this was a special church:

The Church of Friggin' Scientology!

Quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen. And an opportunity too good to pass up. Two things happen right when you walk in. First, you get bombarded with pamphlets and books by the people working there. Second, you get to see a video of Tom Cruise talking. He was probably rambling about Scientology, but I just imagined him yelling at Dustin Hoffman and biting Brad Pitt.

The zealots working there asked if we wanted to see a free movie. Ooh, what could it be? The Goonies? Howard the Duck? No no, much better than that. It was a movie about Dianetics and Scientology. Damn, I should have guessed. Much like actual entrance to the church, this opportunity was too good to miss.

Engrams!

Crazy Hypnotist Guy!

Of course I snuck in some pictures during the movie. I don't know if it was allowed, but who cares. I can't just let comedy pass me by. The first picture shows how Engrams are encoded. The blue circle is conscious memories and your rational mind. The red circle is the irrational mind and Engrams. Whenever you feel below par (sick, injured, etc), anything said around you gets encoded as Engrams in your brain. Then, when that negative feeling returns, the things you heard flood into your mind and impact your behavior. Their example: a guy got in a car accident, and one paramedic was discussing his recent break-up with his girlfriend. Later in life, that guy almost hit a person then immediately broke up with his girlfriend - using the same reasoning as the paramedic. That is a simplification, but you can still glimpse the whackiness that is Dianetics. The actual movie was much, much funnier if you can ever see it. And to think, this theory is what caused Brooke Shields to put a hit out on Tom Cruise.

The second picture is some hilarious hypnotist guy in the movie. It was talking about Engrams being like hypnosis. So apparently whenever a hypnotist touches his tie, Engrams make you take off your coat. Or something like that...

After the movie, they asked us to fill out forms to provide feedback and receive information at home. I'm not sure if you can see in the picture, but Mr. Chaz Rockwell was very interested in Scientology.

I must say this, however. Scientology has a pretty cool logo...on their garbage cans. Is that somehow symbolic?

Discovery du Jour

Closer by Nine Inch Nails has the exact same beat as the left turn signal of a 2004 Chevy Tahoe.

Sorry to those of you looking for my "Discovery de Jure" - I don't have one. But apparently stealing and opening mail addressed to other people is illegal. Who knew?

New York Photo #1: Shooter!

I finally got the majority of the pictures I took during my New York trip this summer. I decided to post them on here with my oh-so-witty commentary. Sure, why not.

So New York is the land of 10,000 celebrities. If you're famous, you probably have an apartment there. You may not even know it.

We didn't see many celebrities. In fact, we only saw one. but that one was a doozy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Shooter McGavin!

Also known as Christopher McDonald. You may know him from such films as Happy Gilmore, Requiem for a Dream, and Quiz Show. Need a closer look?



We won a raffle for front row tickets to Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, the Musical (which was great) and he was sitting in the row behind us. How awesome is that?? I totally wanted to ask if he eats pieces of shit like me for breakfast, but I played it cool...by taking out my camera and taking a picture with him in the background. Yeah, I'm cool.

So not only did we see a cool celebrity, we had better seats than him. Sucker.

More photos to come....

Nobel Prize in the Field of Being Boring

What happened to the Nobel Prize? It used to be so cool. It used to be about the music, then it sold out. In my classes, we keep learning about prizes for sequencing some dumb gene or discovering the structure of some stupid protein...abvfebfvbf b...

Sorry, I fell asleep while typing that and my face hit the keyboard. Sooo boring. Alfred Nobel, the man who established the Nobel Prize (duh), invented dynamite. Friggin' dynamite! How cool is that?? And the early prizes were always given for cool stuff:

1901-1903, Physics: Radiation. Delicious radiation...
1904, Medicine: Friggin' Pavlov, whose studies can help you create an unholy army of salivating animals
1908, Chemistry: "For his investigations into the disintegration of the elements" Muahaha

More recently?

2001, Medicine: "for their discoveries of key regulators of the cell cycle"
2004, Chemistry: "for the discovery of ubiquitin-mediated protein degradation"
2004, Physics: "for the discovery of asymptotic freedom in the theory of the strong interaction"

See what I mean? Winning the prizes now is like receiving the award for "Most Boringest Guy Ever." And if you try to give me the "it's important for the advancement of our knowledge of life, the universe, and everything," you obviously lack my vision.

All I'm sayin' is that the Nobel committee needs to get its act together. Give all of the 2005 prizes to mad scientists - the kind with crazy hair who wear lab coats and goggles all the time. A prize for inventing the death ray or a mind control drug would be a huge PR boost. Plus, it's closer to what I imagine are the initial intentions of the Dynamite Prize. And maybe it would remove the motivation for Zombie Nobel's yearly brain-eating rampage.