First down

Whelp, I had my first residency interview today. All in all, I think it went pretty well. Not nearly as much bloodshed as I expected. Don't get me wrong, there was still a fair amount of bloodshed, but I managed to keep my dagger ("Rustin' Hoffman") sheathed for >60% of the interview. Personal best!

It's a strange experience. First off, I've never been recruited before. I've applied for things - med school, greencard, parole - but I've never had people pitching themselves to me. It's...weird. Not bad weird, just weird. Second, I'm never a big fan of selling myself. I find real bragging to be awkward. I can fake brag with the best of 'em. For example, did you know I both invented and cured polio? True story. But when confronted with a statement like, "Your board scores are really good - you must be pretty smart," the best I could muster was "your mom is!"

I also got to go to a dinner at the attending doc's house. I managed to conduct myself with dignity and class. Legal Counsel got wasted on a box of Franzia she snuck in her purse, then puked on the dog. We're like Goofus and Gallant: "Montgomery always says please and thank you. Legal Counsel stabbed another guest with a fondue fork, and is stealing your car while you read this."

It was a good time and I really like the program. Let's just hope the residency director has a good sense of humor about that whole "gypsy curse" thing...

You've come a long way, baby

"Hey Montgomery, what were you doing today around lunchtime?"

Well since you asked, I'll tell ya. I was in the emergency department holding up a very friendly gentleman's right buttock whilst the colorectal surgeon drained his peri-rectal abscess. Breath deep friends, this is the good life. And best of all - I was paying to be there.

Medicine is a glamorous job. And it's moments like that which make me glad I didn't go with, oh I don't know, rock star or athletic sports athlete or professional gigolo. Although as gigolo I'd probably still see my share of man ass.

I couldn't help but think as pus floweth from yon abscess that pus, besides being disgusting, is actually a nice color. It's a very soothing creamy-beige color which wouldn't be a terrible color for a wall or pair of pants or mid-size family sedan. While we're at it, let's get Home Depot to color to color-match perioral cyanosis, scleral icterus, and placenta. I'm the best interior designer ever!

I had Boston Market for lunch.

All kidding aside, I love where my life has gone. Medicine is fun; family medicine most of all.

9/0/1

Out-of-Context Book Quote Time!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Scholastic Publishing, July 2003.
Page 242, line 8.

"Ron ejaculated loudly."

I know I'm the last person on Earth to read the Harry Potter series, but I can't just read something like that and not share.

On an unrelated note...
I just bought Nightmare Revisited on iTunes. It's an album of artists from various genres covering the soundtrack to The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's really good, provided you like the original songs.

9/0/1

Yes, that is disgusting

There are a lot of gross things in the world of medicine. Phlegm, abscesses, old people, vomit, D-Rock, and ear wax just to name a few. But I think I've finally discovered the most repulsive aspect of medicine. So repulsive that I need two wavers. First, before you start hating me for sharing this realize that it's so gross that I'm obligated to share. Second, it's also so gross that it must be true.

Clostridium difficile is a severe intestinal infection which often arises after the normal colonic bacteria is ruined by antibiotics. Think of it this way - if the population of France was killed, all of the houses and businesses would soon be populated by opportunistic centaurs. The citizens of France being the normal colonic flora, centaurs being C. difficile, and France being one giant rectum. Great analogy, or greatest analogy?

The typical treatment is, well, more antibiotics. Better antibiotics. With blackjack, and hookers. In fact, forget the antibiotics. But what if these antibiotics don't work, or the patient is allergic? How is a doctor to restore the normal population of poop town? Obviously you do it by force...with a fecal transplant.

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in...

Technically it's called "fecal bacteriotherapy," and it "involves infusion of bacterial flora acquired from the feces of a healthy donor in an attempt to reverse bacterial imbalance responsible for the recurring nature of the infection."* I'm going to vomit.

The mind reals with questions. Who's the donor? How do they collect it? Can you get paid to donate like you do with platelets? (If so, I'm in. I donate like 5 or 6 times a day) How do they actually perform the transplant? Who does it? How do you break this one to the patient?

Dr. Doctor: Well, Mr. Smith, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, the antibiotics aren't working. The good news is, we can cure your pseudomembranous colitis. By packing you to the brim with another man's poop.
Mr. Smith: Jackpot!

Mr. Smith is kinda creepy.

Anyway, if you've found anything worse than that, feel free to share. Or don't. Maybe don't is a better option.

9/0/1

*Wikipedia