St. Johns Thwart

That 9-year-old double murderer kid agreed to a plea today. Charged with murdering his father and another man "cough"zombies*cough*, he plead to Negligent Homicide. Many of you may be confused by this plea, but that's largely because alcoholic cirrhosis has turned your brains into nothing more than intricate sponges.

However, I'm married to an attorney which I believe makes me more than qualified to explain it (I also believe it means I only have to obey federal laws, but that's a story for another day). You see, this is negligent homicide because he neglected to not murder two people.

Surprisingly, there are numerous examples of this kind of plea throughout history. For example, in 1975 Faisal bin Musa'id plead guilty to negligent regicide and was subsequently beheaded. More recently, I signed a guilty plea for negligent practicing-law-without-a-license...the original charges were public drunkenness and indecent exposure.

As part of the plea, this kid isn't allowed to enroll in any school until a hearing determines whether or not he is a threat, since what this kid really needs is free time. And is this even a punishment? Why not sentence him to 50 hours of community service at the local Charles Edward Cheeseman's Pizza Establishment (formerly Chuck E. Cheese™)?

All jokes aside, I won't tell you my opinions on this case since my opinions don't matter any more than yours. Well maybe more than your opinion because I can go without alcohol for more than 2 hours and hold a paying job*, but certainly no more than the general public.

However, as leading Constitutional Scholar on this blog I must say this case sets a dangerous precedent. This plea opens the door for a whole new generation of perfectly legal pre-pubescent assassins. You won't even have to pay them: just let 'em know that if they succeed they'll get a free vacation from school. Of course failure mandates seppuku, but that's a chance most 9-year-olds are willing to take.

Mark my words, child assassin training camps will soon be springing up all over the state. These so-called child-assins (wow that doesn't sound right) will carry out the wrath of vengeful citizens the world over. And our only defense will be the threat of brussels sprouts, homework and chores. FSM help us all...

* only one of these things is true

The Eyes Have It

So today I started my ophthalmology rotation, and already I feel glad I didn't choose that as my profession. Don't get me wrong, I like their style. I've always been a fan of gratuitous h's, and their diagnostic equipment looks like a means of slowly murdering british secret agents. My problem is with the subject matter...eyes.

You'd probably think that Montgomery would love the eye, but that's because you're ignorant and likely drunk. Sure it sounds good: affirmative voters, scottish men and sailors all love it. But what your drunk ass doesn't realize is that you're actually thinking of "aye." Lay off the sauce, rummy! You've just been Intervention'd™ (premiering on MTV this fall).

Ophthalmologists actually study eye balls. Normally I'd love any subject which includes the word "balls," but the fact of the matter is that the eyes are the laziest part of the human body. It's like having a couple of union teamsters hanging out in your skull.

Think of all the break time they get! People probably blink an average of 10-15 times per minute, with each blink lasting maybe 300 milliseconds. Giving those lazy bastards the benefit of the doubt, that's 600 blinks an hour for a total of 3 minutes down time every hour. The kids who make my shoes work harder than that!

Ignoring the time you spend passed out in your own vomit, you probably sleep 8 hours a day. That means your eyes spend 8h48m doing god-knows-what in their cosy little sphenoid-cushioned palaces. Get a job!

Most people would probably say my brain is the laziest part of my body, but that's simply not true. I spend most of my days trying to light things on fire with my thoughts which is exhausting, and even when I'm sleeping it treats me to dreams about rowboat trips on Lake Pleasant with strange men who try to make love to me*.

So while I respect ophthalmologists, I do not respect their subject matter. Damn lazy eyeballs. There is one exception, however: Rastafarian eyeballs. They rule. And if you understand that reference, I simultaneously admire and pity you.

* real dream from last night. He didn't succeed.

Happy Super Bowls!

Go Cardinals!