Beethoven's Fifth

Today I'm going to add to my ever-growing List of Things I Don't Understand™. Today's addition has been rattling inside my disgusting head for a while now. It's law related, which might be part of the reason I don't understand it. The sum of my legal knowledge comes from: movies, hanging around law students, CSI, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Miami, and Legal Counsel (if she was trying to be a teacher, she'd be great - as it stands, I'm learning mostly through diffusion).

I'm going to put today's item at slot #81, right between #80: Why would Frosty the Snowman where a hat - it would just speed up the melting process and #82: The same goes for the scarf...I guess those two can be combined. Okay, it's going between #80: Why would Frosty the Snowman where a hat - it would just speed up the melting process. The same goes for the scarf and the new #82: And wouldn't the smoke from his pipe just melt him from the inside out?...I think another combination is in order. Now, the new addition is going between #80: Why would Frosty the Snowman where a hat - it would just speed up the melting process. The same goes for the scarf. And wouldn't the smoke from his pipe just melt him from the inside out? and the new new #82: Noam Chomski.

So what is the new addition to List of Things I Don't Understand™, you ask? Why it's simple: The Fifth Amendment. Here it is in all it's Constitutional glory:

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Don't get me wrong - it's not all bupkiss. Like the first part ("No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger"). In layman's terms - you have to be convicted to be punished for a crime, unless you kill Cap'n Crunch during the War of 1812. That little stipulation at the end may or may not be in the process of being abused, that's not for me to say *cough*yes it is*cough*.

The second part is fine, too ("nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb"). You can only be puinished once, and Ashley Judd must star in at least one movie with Tommy Lee Jones.

Even the last part is coo' ("nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation"). You get to keep your land and your crap, unless some dude in Connecticut wants to build a strip mall, in which case you get like twenty bucks or something.

The part that gets me is that little bit in the middle: "nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself." I have never been able to figure that out. I mean, I understand the premise:

Soulless RIAA Vampire Lawyer Guy: Meghan, did you use Kazaa to download "Laffy Taffy" by D4L under the screenname DMB4EVA92345?
Meghan: Like, I plead the fifth. And tri-delts totally rock! We shake our laffy taffy! Candy...
SRIAAVLG: Permission to treat as a hostile witness?
Judge: Granted.
SRIAAVLG pulls out bust of Ronald Reagan and strikes her with it.

So sure, that much makes sense. But does that actually protect you? If I'm on a jury and somebody invokes their right to not self-incriminate, aren't they just admitting they did it? It's like saying "I don't want to answer because then you'd know I totally did it." Unless you don't want to admit you were committing a totally different crime at the time you were accused of committing that other crime. It just doesn't make sense. They should rewrite that part of the amendment to read "any person may choose to indirectly admit to a crime rather than stating it forthwith."

So maybe that's why I'll never be on a jury. The Scooby Gang has informed me that lawyers never want educated jurors, and maybe this is why. If anybody who actually knows what they're talking about can enlighten me, I'll take it off the list. Until then, it is officially a Thing I Don't Understand™. The third amendment, that's one I understand. Damn mooching troops, always asking for Funyuns and putting their feet on my Ikea couch. Go quarter yourself at a Double Tree!

If you're wondering why it took me so long to update, it's because I'm addicted to computer games. I haven't played much since my break started, but World of Warcraft is mighty fun. It was recommended by the Doc who taught me medical interview. So it will be on his conscience if it devours my life.

Finals are over

Finally. I passed all my classes, with a wider margin than I expected. Score. I think I'm a doctor now...

So for the past two weeks I've been getting hassled for not blogging. I know, right? I had pseudo-studying to do, damn it. Oh well. Now I can finally get back to the things that matter.

Speaking of things that matter, here are the top 5 cool things about the Trace Adkins song/video "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk:"

1. It's a country song/video trying to be a rap song/video and it uses the term "Badonkadonk"
2. "Shut my mouth, slap your grandma"
3. 4-finger rings. They need to make a comeback.
4. Use of the word "britches"
5. "Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong"

I'll write a real post some time later. My brain is still melty.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

If by hippopotamus you mean totally sweet stand-up arcade machine!

What better way to repay the man who has given you 65 blog posts of pure hilarity...and 10 posts of total crap. Look at it in all its glory. Commercial quality with a bar tough finish. It plays such classics as Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Megaman and...Penguin Wars? The list is there. It's even got Zero Wing! What you say? You've never heard of Zero Wing? All your base are belong to us!

Don't be cheapskate. Cough up the $2,300 and buy me the arcade unit. I've been a good boy. There's no reason I would be on the naughty list. Well, aside from all those felonies...

UA James E Rogers College of Law Finals start today. Good luck Law Students!

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face

I may not be special. I'm not rich. I wasn't valedictorian. I've never cured any diseases, held public office, broken any records (aside from the vinyl LP type), built a better mousetrap or gone on a cross-country killing spree. I'm just your average, every day, run-of-the-mill medical student with a bachelor's degree in Optical Sciences and Engineering (aka MSWABDIOSAE). You know, twelve for ten cents.

However, I would say that I have two traits that distinguish me from others. First, and this one I don't understand, I managed to snag the most beautiful, amazing woman on Earth. Legal Counsel has been by my side for a little over 10.5 months now. So I must have something going for me. And I think having her as my girlfriend puts me ahead of your typical MSWABDIOSAE.

My other distinguishing quality is my ability to make children happy. It's another thing I can't explain. Maybe it's because I'm at their maturity level and we think the same way. Or maybe I release some kind of baby pheromone, which would explain the hordes of babies which follow me around. Whatever the case, it works out well since they make me smile, too. Allow me to prove my point.

Case 1: Matthew
alias Matt-Matt
Age: a couple months

First, take a look at the "before Montgomery" picture:

Cute, sure, but that's not the point. Just look at him - confused, bored, maybe a little frightened. Stare into his wee, beady eyes - you can practically hear his thoughts:

Seriously? This is it? No, no. I mean, it's nice and all. Fresh air is cool. But it took a lot to get here and I'm a little underwhelmed. Try to see it from my perspective: I spent months developing primitive limb buds, allowed them to grow just so I could use apoptosis to break down the excess in order to shape them into appendages, then rotated those appendages into their final orientations; finally, I wait months so I can use them to claw my way to freedom. And this is what I get? I appreciate the space, but I was hoping for more. Not even one chocolate rainbow...

All in all, a pretty lugubrious baby. But put him in the hands of Montgomery and you get this:

Happiest. Baby. Ever. My work here is done.

Case 2: Joelean
alias Joe, alias The Terror, alias Joe-Joe the Monkey Girl
Age: 2?...3?

Ah, Joelean. Adorable but deadly. She's like the cutest tornado ever. But not always happy. Here's another before picture:

Chewing on a blanket, bottle in hand. A little cliche don't you think, Joelean? I'd describe her affect as somber, at best. But let's give her the slightest Montgomery contact. I'll just let her grab my thumbs. That's all. Just a thumb grab. And this is the result:

Tell me you've seen a happier monster. Go ahead, try. Liar...

Case 3: Taylor
alias Tayer, alias The Tucson Strangler
Age: almost 7

This one...was unfortunate. I tried playing with her, I really did. She climbed on my back and started referring to me as a horse. I requested for Legal Counsel to explain that I was in fact a human, which she did. At that point, Taylor offered a rebuttal by shouting, "PONIES DON'T TALK!" and strangling me. Here's photographic proof:

She was happy, but she was also in the process of murdering me. I fought her off gently at first, not wanting to injure her. But when she flatulated on my back, I was done. I wasn't sure how to shake her off at first. But then I remembered her weakness - she's a little girl. So her threw her across the room and that was that.

So there you have it. Three children, three smiles. I'm a child amusing machine. And if you think it's a cheap trick to use cute kid pictures to make a blog post fun...I agree. But you know you loved it.

Bonus
Here's a picture of how Legal Counsel handles children:

Shaking a baby? For shame...She might be beautiful, brilliant, funny, sweet, talented and damn near perfect, but she's a baby shaker. I guess she has to have one flaw. The picture has been cropped to preserve her anonymity, so the picture can't be used in court. But trust me, it's her.