Sodalicious

I recently expressed my disdain for Phoenix on this blog, and I stand by my assessment. Especially after driving home on the I-17, mired in traffic for an hour only to find that everyone had slowed down for absolutely nothing. Usually everybody comes to a screeching halt because somebody is changing a tire or because a pigeon has come to rest on the median. but this time, nothing. If you're going to drive like a damned fool, at least have a damned fool reason for doing so.

But recently a ray of sunshine has come to penetrate this festering pile* of a city. Now you might be wondering, "how would a ray of sunshine penetrate a festering pile?" Simple: holes in the ozone layer. Just ask Al Gore. He'll tell you. At great length. Whether you want him to or not. Al, if you're reading this, please leave my house. And if you want Bugles™, go buy some yourself and quit bugging me.

Anyway, the metaphorical ray of sunshine which has penetrated this figurative festering pile is the discovery that Glass Bottled Coke** abounds in this city. Mmm... glass bottled Coke.... In Tucson, you'd have to search for literally minutes to find coke in a glass bottle. But during my stay in Phoenix, I've randomly stumbled onto at least three locations that actively display Coke bottles for sale. You know what, change "randomly stumbled" to "drunkenly stumbled."

If you're sitting at your computer wondering what the big deal is about Coke in a glass bottle, you should be hanged, drawn and quartered. That's right, I'm getting pre-1870 British on your ass. Glass bottle coke is the most del.icio.us thing I've tasted since I stole ambrosia from Hephaestus. Hehe, sucker...

I don't really know why it's so tasty. Maybe they save their best batches for the glass bottles. Or maybe it's psychological. The most likely explanation is that the microscopic silica particles from the glass tear up my mouth and esophagus, allowing for better transfer of flavor. You know, the same reason they put fiberglass in chewing tobacco. I guess that would make bottled coke less delicious and more siliceous. How's that for a fancy pants word?

So I've been indulging in the flavor hoedown that is glass bottled soda, waiting for Legal Counsel to finish the Bar and move up here. Wait a minute, she took the Bar yesterday/today*** and she moves up tonight! Sweet! That'll make two good things in Phoenix. No offense, Phoenix readers. Lots of offense, Phoenix non-readers. Maybe when she gets here I'll take her to Pop the Soda Shop.

It's going to be hard to blog if I'm playing patty-fingers...

*please be fully aware that I exaggerate for creative reasons
**no, D-Rock and Bees, I didn't say glass bottomed boat
***she kicked ass, obviously

Do you think they'll find his head?

I hope so.

Nomogozrobich Domovon

Which mean "In my country there is problem"

As you all know, I like to use my blog as a platform for social change. :-D Man, I couldn't even keep a straight face online. For realsies, though, I like to use my blog to force my views on other people. "I have a blog, and you don't. So you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"

There's a problem in America and, I have to assume, worldwide. I problem that threatens to destroy all of civilization. The modern equivalent of Mount Vesuvius destroying Pompeii, Atlantis sinking into the ocean, or Jesus blowing up the dinosaurs with his god-powers so that Christians would be the top of the food chain*. The problem I'm referring to is, of course, guys tucking t-shirts into shorts.

Shudder...

It's an abomination and I'll have no more of it! It shows a fundamental lack of understanding regarding both t-shirts and shorts. These guys have got everything all wrong, and somebody needs to say something. I assume you are all being too polite, and I am anything but, so I suppose it will have to be me...

An open letter to guys who tuck their t-shirts into their shorts

Stop it!

T-shirts are a casual article of clothing. So are shorts. There is no reason to tuck the former into the latter. None at all. Tucking is an act of formal dress. So please, for the love of Dino-Killer himself, stop doing it. You look like an ass**.

You're wearing what would have essentially been undergarments fifty years ago, so don't try to pretend you're dressed nice. You're not fooling anyone, slacker.

It's the Haberdashery equivalent of the mullet. Business in the middle, party on the ends. You wouldn't cut your hair into a mullet, would you? Actually, let me revise my sentiments: you can tuck your t-shirt into your shorts if and only if you also have a mullet. Picture that combo, it just seems right.

It's not your fault. You middle aged guys are stuck between two strikingly different generations. My generation, which wears t-shirts, shorts, and flip-flops everywhere and believe that "tucking" is the act of assisting Robin Hood. Then there's two generations ago, where men wouldn't dare be seen in public in anything less than slacks, a button down shirt and a pipe - a situation which demands tucking, and a wife who never leaves the house.

You can't mix those two worlds. It just doesn't work. It's like mixing oil & vinegar: great for covering salad, not so great for covering your naked body. That metaphor took a turn in a bad direction. Middle aged guy covered in salad dressing. jibbly. There is nothing appealing about that thought. Unless it's Gary Oldman. And honey mustard. Mmmm, Garoney Mustman

In summary, stop tucking those t-shirts. You're wearing casual clothes, now wear them in a casual manner. I'm pretty sure Al-qaeda hates us because of our shirt tucking practices; I think the Qur'an*** forbids it or something. For the good of the country, pull out that t-shirt.

Thank you,
Montgomery

* that's actually what they teach in Kansas.
** re-reading yesterday's post made me realize that I said ass a lot. What can I say? That's how I roll.
*** I only offended two religions in this post. I'm out of practice.

Return of the Living Dead

Man, you guys are vicious. What kind of world do we live in where a guy can't disappear for over a month, unannounced and unexplained, without getting eTarred and eFeathered. I'm not a role model!

But seriously folks, I'm sorry for my absence. Things kind of got crazy in non-blog world, aka the real world. But I'm back from my hiatus and ready to go. I hope. I'll try to be better.

Right now I'm reporting live from Phoenix, aka The Devil's Taint. If it wasn't for my family and Legal Counsel's job, there would be no reason to live here. It's like a more crowded, hotter, franchise-riddled version of Tucson that's constantly under construction. But at least it's 2 hours closer to Disneyland.

Here's a quick rundown of things that have happened since my last post:

• I kicked the USMLE Step 1 square in the ass
• I attended a wedding for people I had never met. I'm going to just go ahead and count that as a Wedding Crash, even if it was Legal Counsel's family.
• I went to Universal Studios and rode Back to the Future The Ride one last time before it closes. I'd be sad, but I'm sure Christopher Lloyd and Michael J Fox will show up just in time to save it. Well, maybe Michael J Fox will show up alone and save the ride and Christopher Lloyd's career at the same time. I love that guy, why isn't he in more movies?
• I went on a sweet-ass road trip to Las Vegas with Larkitect. Let me tell you, he puts the "sweet-ass" in "sweet-ass road trip." I'd tell you more, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except HPV - sorry, pal.
• I've assisted on about 10 c-sections. FYI, in medical student lingo "assisted" means "observed while trying to stay out of the way and not do too much damage." I did get to suture once, which was fun. Fun for me, not for that poor woman. Yikes.
• Delivered three babies, and watched another 3 or 4 being delivered.
• Watched an episiotomy for the first time, which I was subsequently instructed to repair. My advice to you all: avoid teaching hospitals like the plague. Unless you have the plague, in which case you should go to one. It would be a good teaching experience.
• Performed several pelvics, many prenatal exams, and observed a colposcopy.

If you couldn't tell, my first rotation is in OB/GYN. I don't do this stuff recreationally...anymore. It's pretty crazy, but a lot more fun and a lot less awkward than I expected. Mostly I'm just glad to be in the real world.

The weirdest part about OB/GYN is that there are about a dozen babies out there who's first view of the world included my face. And that is terrifying. Those poor little babies. Not a good way to start your life. No sir...

I'd write more about my experiences, but I'm sure it would all be completely inappropriate. And we all know how blogging about real world medical experiences can come back and bite you on the ass. Plus, I try to use this monstrosity as an excuse for creative writing rather than real-world chronicling, which might become increasingly difficult as my clerkships encompass me like a brain cloud.

That's all for now. I'm post-call and my brain is still a little fuzzy. I'll try to come up with something worth reading ASAP.