Creature of the Night

I'm on a radiology rotation at the moment, and the radiologist I work with most often has a moderately thick accent. I've been trying to figure out where she's from - my guess was either Australia or France. Well today I learned that she's from Romania...and now I'm terrified.

"Why terrified?" you ask. Think about it: Vampires were created by Dracula; Dracula is from Transylvania; Transylvania is in Romania; ergo, all Romanians are vampires; double ergo, this radiologist is a vampire.

Still not convinced? Consider some facts.

1. A career in medicine would afford a vampire near-limitless access to fresh blood.

2. Radiology is the specialty best suited to the vampire lifestyle - they sit in a dark room all day. I've never even seen this doctor in the daylight! And there are no mirrors in the radiology reading room.

3. Nobody would think twice about a pale, gaunt radiologist. They'd be more suspicious about a tan, healthy looking radiologist.

4. She sub-specialized in pediatric radiology. Re-arrange the letters in "PEDIATRIC RADIOLOGIST" and what do you get? "I SIP TIDAL CAROTID GORE" She's not even trying to be subtle!

I know you may not believe me but if you were in my position you'd be scared, too. So from now on I'm bringing garlic, crosses, holy water and a gun loaded with silver bullets* to the hospital. Well, in larger quantities than usual.

* I'm pretty sure one of the x-ray technicians is a werewolf

Mystery License Plate Roundup

Today on my drive home I saw several license plates which confused me. I can't figure them out, and without your help I'm pretty sure I'll dwell on them until my brain pops like a concord grape. Here we go!

BRN 4FR
No clues on the car - red sedan driven by an older version of John McCain. Here were my thoughts:
Born for fear - maybe the driver was a professional stalker/intimidator
Bran for farts - but why not just add the "t" on the end? You've got an extra letter.
Boron for fire - since boron is used to make pyrex
Burn forever - "BRN 4VR" was probably taken. Easily the coolest choice, and the one most likely to be used by yours truly. And Uri S. T'ruly, famed Israeli arsonist.
Brown for Freight Relocation - blatant UPS ad. How can I get in on that action?

TNDR 2 U
Again, no clues - blue sedan driven by young Erik Estrada.
Tender to you - mmm, that sounds sexy...
Tandoori to you - Indian food home delivery? Sign me up!
Tinder to you - stay away from the "Burn forever" guy
Tan Dr. to you - sun-worshipping physician who makes home visits?

MTHRFKR
Lifted pickup driven by a tattooed gentleman.
Moth Reef Killer - sounds like a very specialized exterminator
Math or Faker - cheating on the math portion of the SAT's will haunt you forever
Marth Roof Kraut - I also spent many years on the rooftops in Eichsfeld
Man, this one is tough...let's move on.

FAF 746
"Foreign Air Force?" "Fine Arts Festival?" "Citroen FAF?" I got nothing...

Question for any med student readers still out there
Who are you guys choosing to hood you at graduation? Family, friends or faculty?

The Audacity of Pope

The Vatican recently released a list of sins so awful that only the pope can forgive you. Given that the pope is a former member of Hitler Youth, I'm just going to wish you good luck and walk away.

Most of the sins are related to the behavior of priests, but surprisingly none of them include the words "little boys" or "rectory." What is included, however, is "defiling the Eucharist." For those of you non-catholics, let me translate - "dropping a cracker." Hell must be easier to get into than Arizona State*.

Needless to say, I (like many other people) consider this list to be lacking. To be honest with you, I don't know what they were thinking. So for your reading pleasure, here are the "real" top 5 pope-forgiveness-exclusive sins:

1. Forgetting the color scheme of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. Eating a Sloppy Joe
3. Attempting to assassinate Montgomery
4. Using the phrase "needless to say" or "to be honest with you"
5. Refusing to kill a zombie because they were previously a family member or friend. She's not your mother any more!

There we go, much better. To me, these things are way more unforgivable than ignoring the confidentiality of confession. Please. If priests can't discuss the crazy stuff people confess to, what will they talk about at their cocktail parties?

Montgomery out.

* this line blatantly modified/plagiarized from The Simpsons, season 10 episode 19

Long live the king

Bad news, readers. On 13 January 2009, Patrick McGoohan passed away. I'll give you a moment...

If you're like me, you're probably saying, "Who?" I don't blame you; for me, and probably most of you, he came a little before our time. One of the roles you might know him for is King Edward Longshanks from Braveheart, the movie which probably triggered Mel Gibson's lifelong love of torture.

But he is also famous for creating some British show called Danger Man. Normally I don't care for any British television that doesn't begin with "Monty Python" or end with "Flying Circus," but this particular "programme" had the theme song "Secret Agent Man," which really is a monumentous contribution to society.

I first remember hearing this song when Ace Ventura portrayed his over the top caricature of a character called Jim Carrey way back in 1995 when I was [number redacted] years old. It was also played in Austin Powers and Bowfinger. And if you remember hearing it in Bruce Willis' album "The Return of Bruno," I pity you more than I've ever pitied anyone.

On to the crux of my discussion - I have issue with one line in the song. In the song, Johnny Rivers (or, shudder, Bruce Willis) sings:

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Stop the music! There it was!

Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow? Are you serious? First off, how piss-poor was his training that he is more likely than not to die on any given day? Does he have some serious medical issues? Maybe he needs to see a doctor.

Second, let's take a look at the facts. To be a secret agent, you have to be what, at least 20-ish years old? How can you reach that age if you're 60% likely to die within a 24-hour period. Furthermore, he's got at most 2 missions in him before he reaches his "sell by" date - that's just not cost efficient for whatever government and/or corporation hired him. The Ways and Means Committee and/or accounting department would never let that happen.

No, the way I figure it, his odds of dying are at worst 4-to-1 against. Let's try it out:

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he's got an 80% chance to see tomorrow

Much better!

RIP
Patrick "Gooey" McGoohan
19 March 1928 – 13 January 2009

That's just insensitive

From the Huffington Post. Governor Paterson (D-New York) is being criticized for not being more open about his decision-making process in selecting Hillary Clinton's (D-New York) replacement.

"The law is on his side as far as whether he has to do any this with transparency," said Barbara Bartoletti, legislative director of the League of Women Voters. "But good government is not on his side here."

Isn't it a little mean to criticize a blind guy for his actions not being transparent? How would he even know?

In related news, when did John Travolta become Governor of New York?



In related news, what the hell happened to John Travolta's face? Either he's playing a firefighter in his next movie or my second worst fear has come true and Hulk Hogan has become contagious...

Yikes.

THIS JUST IN: Michael Phelps caught it, too!

He's got...Hulkamania! I need 100cc of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, stat! Oooh, yeah!

Wow, that's too many close up man-faces in a row. Save us, Random Google Baby!

Much better.

Let's see: borderline offensive comment about political official - check; facial hair commentary - check; wrestling reference - check; baby face - check. I think my work here is done.

Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'

I know I haven't written in a while, but check out all the cool stuff that's been going on in my life:

A new car!
Given that I still don't technically have a paying job (or any job for that matter) and 6 figures worth of student loan debt AND the mob has been threatening to break my knees after I posthumously bet against Whirlaway in the 1941 Kentucky Derby, I decided it would be fiscally responsible to buy a new car.

That's right, you're reading the incoherent rambling of the proud new owner of a 2008 Yellow Smart Fortwo. Once you stop laughing, read on.

Most of you reading this know me, so I doubt that you're surprised I bought the second weirdest car on the market (behind the Ford Taurus). Here are the answers to the most common questions I get while driving it: 44 mpg, 90 mph, gasoline, and 8 inches.

I call it the Bumblebee for 3 reasons: 1) it looks like one, 2) Transformers = awesome, 3) to mock people with allergies. That's the same reason I call Becca's car Peanut and our house Shellfish. Speaking of our house...

New Digs
Legal Counsel and I have migrated to a new domicile. Bah da ba ba ba, we're lovin' it.

Pros: gates around condo complex will keep both zombies and looters at bay; panic room
Cons: multiple doors, windows and sliding glass door easily broken by zombie horde

Don't worry, I'm already stockpiling firearms and non-perishable foods. So little time.

One Year Anniversary
That's right, it has been one year since Larkitect tied our knot. That came out wrong. Not the knot of Larkitect and I...yet. No, I'm referring to the Montgomery + Legal Counsel knot. One year of marital bliss. We celebrated by returning to our wedding site: the wonderful and mostly zombie free Walt Disney World.

Surprise highlight of the trip: cancelled return flight during our Memphis layover meant one extra day of vacation and an unplanned trip to Graceland. That's right, we visited the King's Castle, and it was everything I hoped for and more. It looked like the late-60s/early-70s exploded in there. I highly recommend visiting if you're ever stranded in Memphis. Otherwise...meh.

The End of Interview Season
All of my residency interviews have finished! The heat is off. Selling yourself to residency programs is not a fun process. 20-30 minute interviews do not give you enough time to really express who you are. Fortunately it's the perfect amount of time to point out awful neckties, criticize haircuts, and tell people how things are going to change once I've got the power. They'll see. They'll all see!

Anyway, it's time for me to get to work on my page for the med school senior yearbook. How can I simultaneously tell the world how hard I rock and warn them about zombies? Hmm... At the very least, I need to tell the world to keep on truckin'.

That's all for now. Keep on truckin', readers.