Midterms...sigh...

Two midterms taken (and passed), two to go.

I'm studying anatomy at the moment. Well, not at this moment. At this very moment, I'm blogging. You know what I mean. Quit nitpicking!

Anyway, I'm listening to iTunes whilst studying. The David Bowie/Queen song Under Pressure just came on. It's like David Bowie held a seance to contact the ghost of Freddie Mercury in order to read my mind, then manipulate my computer to play the most appropriate song possible.

But then The Lying Lies & Dirty Secrets of Miss Erica Court by Coheed & Cambria came on. Is that fitting in any way?


"Preganglionic parasympathetic fibers destined for the pterygopalatine ganglion arise from the facial nerve (CN VII), travel with the greater petrosal branch of that nerve to the pterygopalatine ganglion."

CNN Scientific Consultant...OF SCIENCE!

In my SBS class we were learning about adolescents and the maturing process. To teach us about this stuff, Dr. Racy shows clips of parenting advice hosted by John Stossel (who, by the way, is a whole blog post by himself - maybe later). In one segment, they were interviewing teenagers and asking about heroes. Most of the little bastards said they didn't have heroes, a fact which was quickly blamed for their irresponsibility and degenerate behavior. And the behavior of their whole generation. It was from the mid-90s, so they were talking about my generation. Jerks.

Well you know what? I have a hero. And my hero...is this guy:

That's right. My hero is Bill Nye, the Science Guy. I love that guy! He's so cool! I remember watching his show as a kid and being enthralled by a) the science and b) his crazy/hilarious antics. I'm sure he's part of the reason I enjoyed school, went into engineering (he has a degree in Mechanical Engineering from Cornell) and finally ended up in medical school. He's an inspiration. And once I have my M.D., I'd be proud to give that man a prostate check. Free of charge. "It's on the house, big guy."

I was reminded of his awesomeness yesterday. I saw him on CNN as a science consultant, talking with Larry King (another man worthy of his own rant). He was talking about some hurricane nonsense. I'm not really sure what that's all about.

The little graphic under him read, "Bill Nye" on top and in slightly smaller letters below, "The Science Guy." That is just one of the many reasons he's the man. He will forever be known as The Science Guy. He invented a title and got everybody to run with it, even CNN. As a man who loves nicknames, I can really cotton to this accomplishment. It's just so cool! He'll always be the one and only Science Guy.

At one point Larry King said, "As a Science Guy, does this fascinate you?" He actually used it like a real title!! It's like saying, "As Surgeon General, how do you feel about smoking?" or "As Attorney General, do you like laws?" Except with more prestige. Anybody can be Surgeon General or Attorney General or Dalai Lama or King of Spain, but there's only going to be one Science Guy. Unless he passes on the title upon retirement. And I'd like to take this time to officially throw my hat into the ring as candidate for future Science Guy. I've got a BS in Optical Sciences and Engineering and I'll have an M.D. in a few years. I also love science. The only thing I'm missing is a nicely rhyming name...

After being asked the question, Bill Nye started talking about the Coriolis Effect. I'm not sure what Australian toilets have to do with hurricanes, but he knows better than me. I'd like to strengthen my candidacy by saying that when I Googled "Coriolis Effect" for the correct spelling, I spelled it correctly right away. Take that, Senator Bill Frist. i'm not sure why I see Bill Frist as my competition for the Science Guy title, but I do...

On a related note, I'm glad this guy disappeared:

Stupid Beakman...crappy bootleg Bill Nye...doesn't even love science...

Science Rules!

This here post brought to you by the letter J, y'all

One of the guys in my class is named AJ. If I had to divide the class into two groups, he'd be in the "cool kids" group. As opposed to the "jerks" group. I wouldn't be in either group. I'd be in the "guys who wish they could practice medicine in a 19th century mining camp" group...by cracky.

So, AJ needed a nickname. Why? Well that's a dumb question - everybody needs a nickname. Little known fact about Montgomery: he loves dispensing and propogating nicknames. So D-Rock came up with one†. He merely translated AJ's name into Spanish. And thus he became "A Jota."

Well, old AJ didn't cotton to this name. I reckon he shot down that name faster'n you can lick butter off a knife. Some of you might be in a bit of a shindy right now. It might be tough to twig if'n you don't speak Spanish. You see, "jota" is Spanish slang for "slut."

Well, since AJ's a regular curly wolf, I didn't want to mess with him. But I did want to research this crazy term. And I found that "jota" has even more definitions: slut, prostitute, drugs (esp cocaine or crack cocaine). How did one little letter get such a bad rap? So many negative connotations, just for being between "i" and "k." Anybody know why J is known to be such a scoundrel?

Oh well, I won't get my dander up. It also has some positive definitions: the native dance of Aragon, Spain and the Boy Scout's "Jamboree on the Air." So I guess it balances out. My only question is whether I should keep calling him "A Jota." I figger it might make him ornery as a fried toad...

Time for me to quit beating the devil around the stump and get back to taking notes. I'm not one for big city learnin, but i better keep my eyes on the trail. If I don't quit barkin' at the knot, I'll be stewin' in my own juices come midterms...

† D-rock asked for a footnote.


I love prospector slang...

Your husband is Carl Weathers?!

Arrested Development season premiere tonight!

Fetch my good trousers - we're having us a shindig!

¡™£¢∞§¶•ªº‽

I wouldn't say that I enjoy punctuation marks more than anybody else. If somebody asked me, "Hey, Montgomery, how much do you enjoy punctuation marks?", I would probably respond with, "Not more than anybody else." They serve their purpose, making the written word easier to read and understand.

-Journal of Montgomery, 30 January 1999

That used to be my opinion. But I started thinking about it yesterday, and maybe I do like punctuation more than the "normal" person. You might be thinking, "But Montgomery, you are a normal person." But actually, I'm not. That might surprise a few of you. I'm a little weird. Just a little...

So in this case, my weirdness manifests itself as a healthy appreciation for punctuation. First, I always use proper punctuation when using Instant Messenger. I may be the only person to do this, aside from my brother (who obsesses about punctuation even more than me). Second, i use excessive punctuation in my writing. I throw in gratuitous commas and way more semi-colons than is healthy. My English professor once told me that a person only needs to use one semi-colon in their entire life. The paper he wrote that on had 5 semi-colons on the first page alone (I've cut back since this happened - Semi-Colon Addicts Anonymous (SCAA)). And finally, I have a favorite punctuation mark.

That last sentence might frighten or confuse some people. "Who the hell has a favorite punctuation mark‽," you might be asking with disgust. Well...I do. There are lots of fun little symbols to choose from. The ampersand (&) is fun, made popular by Wheel of Fortune. The dagger (†) and double dagger (‡) have cool names. Legally speaking, the section sign (§) is useful. And internationally, the ogonek (˛) is rather charming. While all these marks have their charm, none of them are my favorite. No, my friends, my favorite punctuation mark ever is the interrobang. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. So here it is, in all it's glory:

Cool, isn't it? Surprisingly, there is a website with its history found here. Long story short, it was created to replace the "!?" or "?!" combination. It is used to ask questions in an excited manner or to ask questions with disbelief. Here are some examples:

We get to go to Disneyland‽
You ate the whole wheel of cheese‽
Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez got punted to the moon‽
I have what lodged in my colon‽

You can see how handy this little symbol can be. I really think it needs to make a comeback. I'd like to get a suit covered in interrobangs to spread the word, Matthew Lesko style. And it's just fun to say. Interrobang. InterroBANG.

If you don't have the same character palette as me, this post will lose a lot of its charm.

UPDATE: Holy crap! The Partnership for a Drug-Free America uses a version of the interrobang in its logo! That's awesome! I heart TPFADFA!

Montgomery's Class Notes

Yesterday we learned about adolescent sexuality in my Social & Behavioral Sciences class. As part of the lecture, the professor showed videos from Gwen Stefani and 50 Cent to illustrate the sexuality teens are exposed to. Being a good student, I took notes. Here are my notes from Professor 50 Cent's lecture entitled Candy Shop:

Adolescents go to "candy shop" with 50 cent
   [literal or metaphorical candy shop, not sure]
   lets them lick his lollipop [again, possibly a metaphor]
      don't stop, keep going until they hit the spot
Lets them have it their way 
   [Burger King reference, trademark issue?]
   adolescents can back it up, or he can "push up on it"
Temperature increasing, approaching teakettle temps.
   global warming message?
50 will match nympho level of adolescents
Locations: hotel, back of rental, beach or park
   in addition to candy shop?
Claims to have "magic stick," be a love doctor [PhD, not MD?]
   reference to earlier work - see notes on Magic Stick
50 allows adolescents to be on top
   get sweaty, impersonate low rider?
Melt in mouth, not hands - pun on "candy shop" theme?
   laughter supports pun hypothesis
      more trademark issues?
50 Cent & Olivia reiterate lollipop, "keep going" idealogy
50 suggests adolescents give it to him like "rodeo rider"
   races with adolescents to "get undressed quicker"
"Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch 'em in thongs"
   no, Dr. Cent, it isn't
Describes, in graphic detail, the act of sexual congress
   champagne involved - delinquency of a minor?
Again reiterate lollipop, "keep going" ideas
   keeps mentioning these themes
      maybe on the test

You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask.

Anybody ever notice the similarities between these two?



I believe Dick Cheney might be The Penguin. This theory is only further supported by the following image:

Get the point?

I remember a time not so long ago when I could look at the back of my hands and see no less than three pencil tips embedded within my skin. #2 pencils, I'm sure. They were originally placed during my elementary school years and were visible as recently as high school, I believe. Now they're all gone.

I can't figure out how they got there. What was I doing in my early years that resulted in pencil tips breaking off in my skin? I vaguely remember the aftermath of whatever activity it was - seeing the graphite in there with very slight bleeding. But I don't remember what activity lead up to it. In all my years since, I have not jabbed any pencils into my hand. Not one since I was a kid. What was wrong with me?

But it's not that uncommon. My informal poll has shown that most people did the same thing. Probably 4 out of 5 people surveyed have or had at least one writing implement installed beneath the epidermis. Even Legal Counsel, the smartest person I know, admitted to having the end of a pencil in her beautiful hands (although I never noticed because I "don't pay enough attention to her"). Little kids are bizarre. Does anybody out there remember how they did it?

And another burning question is: where did they go? I can't see them anymore. Maybe a little bit of one, but they are mostly gone. They stuck around for about 8 years or more, and now they are gone. Where did they go? I kind of miss them. They were like my little hand pets that never needed cleaning and only occasionally needed feeding. That's it...I'm finding a pencil...

[that thing about me not paying attention to my Legal Counsel was a joke. please don't hurt me]

How's the view from sugar heaven, bitch?

This morning whilst driving to class, I saw a person walking along the street eating cotton candy. That's right, cotton candy. Puffy pink sugar on a stick. Just walking along, enjoying the delicious carnival confection. It was a little surreal. I felt like I was in a David Lynch film.

Now, I'd be hard-pressed to find cotton candy at any time of the day, let alone 7:30 in the morning. And even if I could find cotton candy at such an early hour, would I eat it? Would I dare sail the Seas of Breakfast on the USS Puffed Sugar?

After much thought, I've decided: maybe. Why not? Why should I be bound by the norms of morning meals? I could break tradition. I could start new meal standards! If I want to start the day with fluffy sugar, why shouldn't I?

Oh...right...Adult Onset Type II Diabetes...

SDP #2: Animal Adventures

I'm not sure if you know this, but Sea World has a lot of animals. Mostly marine animals, actually. As such, I had many encounters with said animals while I was there. But they're not all cute, cuddly manta rays and sweet, loving piranhas like you might imagine. Some are rather ferocious. Here are some of my brushes with death:

Scared by Sharks

Impersonating an Eel

Attacked by a Sea Star

Befriending a Law Student

Bonus Photo:

Legal Counsel Showing her "Lion (fish) Face"

Isn't she adorable?

SDP #1b: Y'all Peeps Be Buggin'

Scientifically speaking, people are crazy. It's a fact. A single person is sane, but people are crazy. Take the following scenario:

On the return drive from Saint Diego, we pulled into a Yuma gas station to fill up on petrol. mmm...petrol... (D-Rouck just scoulded me four using British wourds. In his honour, I'm gouing to use gratuitouus u's after my ou's)

Pulling intou the statioun, you couuld see the foullouwing:

A line ouf cars waiting tou pull up tou a pump. Rouughly six cars, just waiting four gas. I was abouut to jouin the line when the louvely and brilliant Legal Couunsel pouinted tou this:

The ouppousite side ouf the statioun. Nou line ouf cars. At all. Nout ounly an absence ouf line, but oupen pumps as well. Houly crap.

Sou even thouugh there were oupen pumps, peouple were waiting in a line soume oubliviouus guy started. That's herd mentality in actioun. As ouppoused to herd mentailty inaction, which is different.

The wourst part? I wouuld have joined the line had Legal Couunsel nout advised outherwise. I'm just anouther oune ouf the herd. The slouw wildebeast. Just anouther brick in the wall. I'll just blame it oun the "gas crisis."

Man, this ou thing is weird. How dou thouse crazy limeys dou it? Gramatically, I can't believe I'm a crazy limey myself...

-Mountgomery

San Diego Photo #1a: Nobody Rides for Free

Unless you are Amish, you've probably seen the rising gas prices. My buddy D-Rock went into a movie with the price at $2.69/gallon and left the movie with the price at $2.79/gallon. Obviously this was a while ago. At that rate, it should be about $12/gallon by the end of the week. So heads up.

Anyway, this price inflation has two consequences. First, the media blowing things out of proportion right now. I keep hearing that people aren't driving, so they won't be buying clothes, electronics or food. Right. I hate you TV news. People are driving the same amount, but they are bitching more. The second consequence is the media blowing things out of proportion in the future. I'm sure analysts will be referring to the "Great Oil Crisis of '05" for years to come. See for example the oil crisis of '73.

To keep up with this highly important historical event, I decided to document the oil prices during my San Diego road trip last weekend. That's right, road trip. I didn't stay home because of these horrible prices. Take that TV news analysts! So, without further ado, here are the results:

Tucson, Price Club - $2.78

Tucson, Circle K - $3.09

El Centro (Spanish for "The Centro") - $3.19

El Centro, Circle K - $3.39

San Diego (German for "a Whale's Vagina") - $3.09

Yuma - $2.99

Using this scientific investigation, I've discovered a pattern. The closer you get to the eastern edge of El Centro, the more expensive gas gets. So, at the exact eastern border of El Centro, the price should be infinite dollars. And as you get farther, the price should drop. So, go to New York for free gas. Limited sample sizes are awesome!

And I still don't understand the 9/10 of a cent on every gallon. Can somebody explain it to me?

Hold on, why would an amish person be reading my blog??

This post should be subtitled, "Fun with Patterns."

UPDATE - My legal counsel says, "you should have made a statement about circle k being pricey jag-offs"

I'll have the Genocide Club on wheat

Here in Tucson there is a restaurant called Chopped. It's pretty good, I guess. Lots of salad options. Tasty looking sandwiches. Delicious soup. Healthy. Pretty boring, I suppose.

I'd never been before and I went for the first time on Friday. I ordered the Mediterranean Salad. It had delicious feta, olives, that whole thing. But it also had sun-dried tomatoes. What is the deal with sun-dried tomatoes? Who likes these things? I don't understand why they still exist. Nobody I know likes them. They need to disappear, but they never will. Damn sun-dried tomato lobbyists...

But even more shocking and appalling than the sun-dried tomatoes was one of the sandwiches they offer. Not the contents of the sandwich, but its name. It was a bunch of boring ingredients and your choice of ham or turkey as the meat. The name? Sophie's Choice.

That's right. They named the sandwich after a movie about a holocaust survivor. Who, while living in a concentration camp, had to choose which of her two children would live and which would die. Then both children end up dying. And the woman commits suicide by the end of the movie.

In short, a totally fitting name for a sandwich offering the choice between ham and turkey. Here are some more potential menu items: Nuremburger, Anne Frankfurter, Geno-side salad...Shaved-Ham Private Ryan? If anybody sees these at Chopped, let me know so I can sue for royalties.

Sorry if I've already discussed this discovery with you, making my writing a rerun. It's just so bizarre that I had to share it with the world. Just like that growth I keep showing people.

All Quiet on the Sushi Front

7:50am: I am going to try UMC cafeteria sushi. After discovering where they hide the chopsticks, I've decided to go for it. The plastic encased delicacies have been taunting me for 6 weeks now, and I need to unravel their mystery. "Sushi" and "hospital cafeteria" should never be in the same sentence, unless the sentence is "Thank god the hospital cafeteria doesn't serve Sushi...yikes." Realizing the risks to my taste buds and my GI tract, i've decided to keep a journal of this undertaking. Bad choice of words...

8:36am: I've been watching Strong Bad emails to keep my morale up. I should be studying, but seeing as how my life is on the line, I'm going to make my last few hours enjoyable. H*R = the funniest thing ever

9:14am: Correspondence with my girlfriend. Writing to her almost made me abandon this foolish mission. Why put my life on the line when I've got a girl like her waiting for me back in the states? But I must. Somebody needs to do it. I don't want my children living in a world where cafeteria sushi remains an ever-present enigma - a threat to our way of life.

9:35am: The Gorillaz are playing in iTunes. It's amazing to think that a world which contains hospital cafeteria sushi can also contain such beautiful music. I recommend listening to it. Maybe knowing that I could be dead in 3 hours has given me a new view of the world...

10:00am: Leaving the library. Off to class to do group activity. Of course they know nothing about my plans. I don't want to draw attention to myself. Too many people crying, begging me not to eat the sushi. They all understand...I mean, don't understand. After that, it's on to the battlefield.

11:45am: Done with group activity. Off to eat sushi. I find myself without words. Wish me luck. If I don't make it back alive, keep my body away from the anatomy lab...

12:30pm: I'm alive! For now, at least. We'll see if that condition persists. I was asked if I wanted to eat in the med student lounge. Ha. When I ate that sushi, I wanted to be as as close to the ER as possible.

8:43pm: I'm still alive. I don't think death by sushi is in my fate. Yet...As for the sushi - not half bad. $7 for 2 sake, 2 maguro and 3 crab rolls. Expensive for a UMC cafeteria meal, but cheap for sushi. It was pretty tasty, although a little small. The wasabi damn near melted my brain, which is a good sign. The weirdest part was that the soy sauce packet was sealed tighter than...something sealed tight. Sigh...