You know they never did catch that anthrax guy.

We had a lecture yesterday presented by Dr. Rancor*. Here she is:
The weird thing about the lecture is that Dr. Rancor seemed awfully concerned about Feline AIDS, even though it isn't a part of the class. She kept bringing it up! Wait a minute...

That's it! She's Debbie Downer! (played by Rachel Dratch)

You're enjoying your day
Everything's going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer.
Always there to tell you 'bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, Please!"
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!

She ended her lecture by saying, "Did you guys hear about that train explosion in North Korea? ...We may never know how many people perished." So depressing...

* nickname chosen based on name, not appearance or behavior

Dreamweaver

It's midterm season, and as usual that probably means my blog will start suffering because of my studying. I'm sorry, Bloggy, you know I love you. And speaking of studying, I have three new reasons to hate the 4th Floor Frat Boys™: a. they don't flush 2. they don't wash their hands c. 311 ringtones at max volume. Listen up freaks, this isn't you parents' house. Show some respect.

Anyway...where was I? Right, studying. You see, that's what happens when I study, or even when I think about studying - I start to space out and lose my train of thought. I think it's a form of auto-hypnosis. So if you want to plant an idea in my head, just say "studying" then tell me what to do as soon as my eyes glaze over and roll into the back of my head. I probably shouldn't have told you my weakness.

So where do I go when I space out while studying? Wait...where was I? Right, daydreaming. Since I'm already in the medical thought process, I start imagining myself as a doctor. As a result, I've envisioned many things I'd like to accomplish in my medical career. And if I don't achieve them, I'll be filling a prescription for 50cc of tears. I don't think these desires are specific to me, either. I'm sure if you ask any doctor, they have the same goals in life*.

Without further ado, here is Montgomery's Big List of Doctor Dreams™:

1. Perform an emergency tracheotomy with a swiss army knife and a ballpoint pen.
2. Have somebody approach me complaining that, "it hurts when I do this." Respond with, "then don't do that."
3. Bite the cap off a syringe, then spit it on the floor.
4. Say, "Damn it, I'm a doctor not a _____."
   • Preferably the blank will be filled in with "EOD technician" but I'll also settle for "marine biologist" or "sniper"
5. Save a life at Disneyland, get free admission for life.
6. Write a prescription for "1 ass-kicking" and hand it to somebody. Then have them look up after reading it only to see my fist immediately before it strikes their face.
7. Restart a heart...Fonzie style!
8. Be in a room when somebody says, "is there a doctor in the house?" Respond with "Dr. Montgomery, in da hizzouse!"
9. Own and operate a riverboat casino.
10. Save the life of somebody outside of work, then ask for a co-pay and charge their insurance company.
11. Perform an encephalectomy to cure a case of vigor mortis**
12. "I'm sorry, your husband has passed away. But we can rebuild him. We have the technology..."
13. Murder D-Rock
14. Get in an argument, then bust out a prescription pad and write a prescription for "a clue"
15. Clean and suture myself after #6 goes horribly wrong.
16. Treat the victims of a biochemical incident
    • Probably one that I caused
17. Pull somebody from an overturned tanker truck, then carry them to safety and jump away in slow motion as the truck explodes
18. Get stranded on an island, then treat my fellow castaways with indigenous plants
    • Also, kill that smoke monster
19. Slap the next person who asks me if I watch House
20. Stab an unruly patient with a syringe and inject them with sedative.
    • Then draw a penis on their face while they're passed out

That's all for now, although I'm sure there are many, many more. It's time for me to get back to studying. Wait...where am I?

In other news, congratulations to Dr. Friedchicken on winning Best Director!

* not likely
** in layman's terms, a zombie

Legal Issues at the End of Life

That was the name of our SBS lecture today, presented by the hospital's malpractice attorney. I'm going to be honest with you: she shares more than a passing resemblance with Ted from Scrubs. The more she talks, the more similar she becomes. Especially when she says things like,

And if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything.

Still good advice, though.

The lecture itself is about, appropriately enough, legal issues at the end of life. How and when can you terminate care? Which takes precedence: medical power of attorney, living will, or Cobra Commander? For how many days must a person be in a coma or persistent vegetative state before they are fair game for Republicans to use as a political tool? Are we allowed to use comatose or vegetative patients to stage a life-size puppet show? If the patient becomes awake and responsive with nobody around, is the doctor allowed to play along as the patient fakes coma so they can jump up and scare their friends and family?

But there's one big issue that wasn't addressed: zombies. Technically, the "end of life" can be the "beginning of undeath" under the right circumstances. And she didn't even mention that scenario. Our medical education is severely lacking, and our apocalypse preparedness is almost non-existent (some anti-werewolf training, brief mention of alien assault). When will they start teaching us skills we can actually use?

This was the perfect time to learn about the legality of all things zombie, and I'm still full of questions. Chief among them:

• If a person presents with a zombie bite, is it legal to kill them before they turn?
  • What if you're only 50% sure it was a zombie bite?
  • 20% sure?
  • What if there's no reason to believe zombies were even present, but I don't want to take the chance?
• If they've already turned into a zombie, is it legal to kill them in self defense?
  • What if they've turned, but they're fully restrained?
  • What if they've turned, but they have no teeth or nails?
• If a patient is minutes from death, is it legal to intentionally infect them with the zombie virus to keep them "alive" in the hopes that a cure for both zombie-ism and their underlying disease will be discovered some time in the future?
  • Same scenario, but you're infecting them for research purposes.
• If I'm the attending physician, can I send a resident into the room of a zombified patient because I'm afraid to go in?
  • Can I "forget" to tell the resident that the patient is a zombie, to see how well they think on their feet?
• Does Arizona law recommend one method of dispatching zombies over others?
• If the hospital is surrounded by zombies, but I'm safely barricaded inside with staff and patients, can I kill myself knowing full well that my fate is sealed, and that I don't want to become one of "those damned monsters?"
  • Can I euthanize patients out of mercy?
  • If somebody snaps and tries to escape, can I incapacitate and/or kill them to prevent zombies from getting in?
• When will the government just admit it's been experimenting with zombies in the desert outside Tortolita, AZ since 1981 in a project code-named MKROMER?
• Am I obligated to make a "reasonable effort" to sever the head, which would stop the zombie while still keeping it alive?
• Are zombies protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act?

So many questions, so few answers. I bet that Jamaican medical school would have taught this material...mon. And I've heard that Harvard has an entire block dedicated to the living dead, including zombies, vampires, ghosts, poltergeists and even rusalki. Can you believe that?? A medical school teaching the biology and psychology of a rusalka? They're years ahead of everybody else!

Here's hoping history repeats itself

This......is a moustache cup.

In Victorian England, moustaches were all the rage. Unfortunately, that wonderful facial fitment brought with it great difficulty in drinking. The wax used to keep the curls in their proper shape would often melt and drip into hot drinks. And it goes without saying that certain drinks can stain the old soup-strainer. It's a hard knock life, for moustaches.

To combat these problems, an Englishman named Harvey Adams invented the moustache cup in 1830. The cup has a "moustache guard" along its edge to protect your valuable follicular investment. The guard would cradle and comfort your nose neighbor whilst you enjoyed a nice tall glass of laudanum.

There is nothing I don't like about the previous two paragraphs. Victorian England seems like an awesome place to live. Let's look at the facts.

• Moustaches were popular.
  • Especially moustaches with curls
• It was socially acceptable to wax the aforementioned moustache.
• Your moustache could be long enough that it would dip into your beverage stream.
• They were tough enough to drink beverages at a temperature sufficient to melt wax at a distance of several millimeters.
• The country was evidently full of inventive problem solvers...with moustaches.
• Not only was it acceptable for an adult to drink from a sippy cup, it was fashionable.
• mmm...laudanum.
• Three words: waxed. curled. moustaches.

I was born 180 years too late. Until I finish my time machine (current status: alarm clock taped to a golf club), I'll have to make do with what we've got.Col. Ichabod Conk Products® makes a modern replica of the Victorian favorite...or should I say favourite. Although twenty dollars is a lot to cough up for a mug, even if it does have a seat for Mr. Tickles. Maybe I'll go with the great great great great great grandchild of Mr. Adams original:Although four dollars is a lot to pay for a plastic cup, even if it does protect the old push broom. I guess I'll just go mug a toddler.

No pun intended.

Afterthought: would Starbucks serve me a latte in a sippy cup?

PS - Ah Jota wants my nickname to be "Conejo." Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Conan the Librarian

An open letter to the fraternity boys and sorority girls roosting on the 4th floor of the library

Dear sirs and/or madams (I use this term fully aware of its alternate meaning)

Let me begin by saying that you all deserve a little credit. Based on your intelligence, behavior and sometimes even appearance, I can tell that the first bar you ever visited was your mother's uterus - the beginning of a long, proud history of drinking. So the fact that you've made it this far is admirable. Bravo. That being said, let me just tell you that I wish you would all stumble across a mysterious black slime that you would each take turns touching, even after seeing everybody before you melt upon touching it.

I understand that you need to make it look like you care about academics. For the boys, I'm sure your dad required that you get a cumulative GPA of 2.0 or better before he lets you work at his car dealership in Encino. For the girls, you're probably just using the boys until you are discovered dancing half-naked on top of a bar and your acting/modeling careers take off. But why, for the love of god, do you have to do it at the health sciences library??

Sorry, got a little carried away. I'm fully aware why you use this library: it's closest to the frat houses, and you probably just walk here drunk and/or high. Who am I kidding? You probably just drive here drunk and/or high. But if you're going to eat at the grown up table, you need to act like an adult. And don't bother pointing out the irony of Montgomery telling somebody to act like an adult, I'm fully aware.

Let's begin with the most simple common courtesy: being quiet in a library. I can hear your conversations about theme parties and the price of penicillin across the entire fourth floor. And when you're making out it sounds like a drunken Frenchman slapping two soggy fish together. Alls I'm saying is, "shut your filthy Neisseria gonorrhoeae colonized mouths." I'm not unreasonable - I understand that conversations will happen when "studying" with friends. but please try to keep it to a dull roar. And limit the tonsil hockey to IHL.

I think I know why you are so loud. Upon claiming a table, you invariably spread out and collect every rolling whiteboard in the place to construct a little fort, which you apparently believe to be soundproof. I have to admit to being more than a little jealous here. Ever since the library constructed its modular design on the fourth floor, I've had dreams of playing with it too. Between you and me, I'd like to use the whiteboards to construct a labyrinth. Then I'd don a (hopefully) fake bull head and chase down hapless grad students. Thesis and the Minotaur...I like it.

But I don't do that, no matter how much I want to. How very, very much I want to. Why? I'm trying to be respectful of other people, a concept you probably haven't been taught yet. Your fort isn't soundproof, and some people actually use the whiteboards for writing. Strange concept, I know. Also, people can see between the whiteboards - it's not Fort Knox. So when you boys are playing slap-and-tickle, everybody can see it. Including the creepy old guy who always goes to the bathroom after watching you semi-grope each other. So next time you visit our fine establishment, try just using a table.

For once in your lives, try being respectful. Act in a manner appropriate for a library. Study quietly on the fourth floor, then when you need a break go down to the third floor and play Indiana Jones with the compact shelving. Like an adult.

Hugs and Kisses,
Montgomery

Montgomery Music Magic

I may not be a member of the Recording Industry Association of America (NAMBLA), but I knows what I likes and what I doesn't. Let's get this dance party a-dancin'.

Breaking Wind
Legal Counsel brought this one to my attention. Currently on the radio is a cover of "She's Like the Wind," a song written and sung by Patrick Swayze for the movie Dirty Dancing. In case you're wondering, Legal Counsel knew this because she is the president and founding member of the "Swayziacs," the largest Patrick Swayze fan club in North America. I have to say North America because PatSwa still has a pretty big following in North Korea, thanks in large part to the efforts of one mister Kim Jong-il.

Anyway, the cover version is sung by Lumidee featuring Tony Sunshine. No offense to those two, but you know it's a sad state of affairs when people find themselves longing for the dulcet tones of Patrick Swayze. But nice try, gents. On the plus side, "Tony Sunshine" sounds like the name of a lounge singer and/or pimp. Which is nice.

Nerd Words
My current favorite artist is Jonathan Coulton. If you've never heard of him just picture a nerdier, one-man version of They Might Be Giants. That's right, an even nerdier version of They Might Be Giants. And you didn't think that was possible. Tsk tsk...

I've had his song "Ikea" on my computer for a long time, then I rediscovered him after searching for "Baby Got Back" on iTunes. Don't judge me for looking for Sir Mix-A-Lot - I'm just trying to create an autobiographical mix CD. Anyway, I found Mr. Coulton and here are some of my favorite songs

Skullcrusher Mountain - A love song by an evil villain to a captured prisoner, even though he's way too smart for her. Favorite expression of love:

I made this half-pony half-monkey monster to please you
But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
What’s with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

Re: your brains - A song from Bob to his coworker Tom. Bob has become a zombie and wants to eat Tom's brains. Favorite line: "I'm not a monster, Tom. Well, technically I am."

Chiron Beta Prime - A christmas card sung by the Andersons, who have been banished to an asteroid by the robot council. Favorite Christmas Greeting: "Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime, where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords. Did I say overlords? I meant protectors."

The Presidents - A rather informative jingle about all the American presidents. Favorite rapid presidential summary:

Arthur suspended Chinese immigration
Cleveland made the railroad people squirm
Harrison signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act
Then Grover Cleveland served another term

So you can see why i like him. The songs are wicked fun, and one of them even tickles my zombie bone. That sounded kinda dirty...

Guilty Pleasure
Heroin.

Just kidding. It's actually "This is the Way I Live" by Baby Boy. I know that as a pigment challenged, engineering degree holding nerd I'm not normally allowed to listen to rap, hip-hop or even trip-hop. The only exceptions are probably MC Plus+, MC Squared, MC Chris, MC Hammer and Mc Donalds. But in this case I'm willing to break the rules.

I really like this song. Maybe because he isn't singing about abusing women, killing people or using drugs. Although I'll admit that I haven't listened to all the lyrics, so he very well could be. He instead prefers to sing about he "stacks [his] money, lay[s] low, and chill[s]."

Plus, he rides "fly with D-Wizzle in 'cedes Benz," which as you all know is one of my favorite hobbies. Although he says he's got a "two seater ride with the ketchup inside." I'd never allow ketchup in my vehicle. But he makes up for it by advocating Red Bull and Grey Goose. I too enjoy mixing animal themed drinks! Mmm....Wild Turkey and Moosehead...

But best of all, he advocates adults riding Big Wheels! I thought i was the only one! (Montgomery doesn't realize that when Baby Boy says "Lil' Boy still pushin' Big Wheels," he isn't actually referring to an adult riding a Big Wheel)

Pathologic Uterus Look-a-Like o' the Day

Today in path we learned about endometriosis:

You might recognize endometriosis from its starring role as Birdo, Super Mario Brothers 2 villain.

Or if you prefer, the Octorok from The Legend of Zelda.

High Times

I'm a fan of highlighting. I'm even a member of the National Association for the Advancement of Coloring Text (NAMBLA). Highlighting allows all the fun of turning something yellow without the hassle of being yelled at for peeing on stuff. Which reminds me of the main drawback of highlighting: if somebody pees on your notes, all your highlighting efforts are ruined. And my notes get peed on...a lot. In a cruel twist of fate, yellow highlighter is the exact same color as hobo urine. I tried using orange highlighter, but that damn hobo started popping pyridium and returned to his old antics. Damn you, hobo, I didn't steal your bindle!

The other big problem with highlighting is that I don't know how to do it. In my first attempt, I tried one of those Sharpie highlighters. It just made it really difficult to read the important stuff. And even after discovering those clear yellow ones, the majority of my efforts contribute nothing to the notes.

But I'm comforted by the fact that nobody else seems to know how to highlight either. Allow me to demonstrate with the following example paragraph:

EPEC initially attach to enterocytes utilizing pili of the BFP type to form clustered microcolonies on the enterocyte cell surface. The lesion then progresses with effacement of the microvilli and changes in the cell morphology including the production of dramatic "pedestals" with these EPEC bacterium at their apex. The combination of these actions is called the attachment and effacing (A/E) lesion.

The "I don't understand the concept of highlighting"
This is by far the most popular style. This student likes to highlight everything. Everything. Paragraphs, headings, page numbers, professor names, their own face. Here's an example:

EPEC initially attach to enterocytes utilizing pili of the BFP type to form clustered microcolonies on the enterocyte cell surface. The lesion then progresses with effacement of the microvilli and changes in the cell morphology including the production of dramatic "pedestals" with these EPEC bacterium at their apex. The combination of these actions is called the attachment and effacing (A/E) lesion.

So what you end up with is a blinding block of highlighter die. Completely useless. If they're using a blue highlighter, it looks like D-Rock's mom's bed under a blacklight.

The "Ed Chapman"
This is a variation on our first method. but this student, being an artist at heart, prefers to use random colors changing at random parts of the sentence.

EPEC initially attach to enterocytes utilizing pili of the BFP type to form clustered microcolonies on the enterocyte cell surface. The lesion then progresses with effacement of the microvilli and changes in the cell morphology including the production of dramatic "pedestals" with these EPEC bacterium at their apex. The combination of these actions is called the attachment and effacing (A/E) lesion.

It's really quite beautiful. Can I frame your notes and hang them on my wall?

The "Redundant Highlight"
This person thinks the most important sections of notes are the ones that are bolded or italicized, so that's what they highlight.

EPEC initially attach to enterocytes utilizing pili of the BFP type to form clustered microcolonies on the enterocyte cell surface. The lesion then progresses with effacement of the microvilli and changes in the cell morphology including the production of dramatic "pedestals" with these EPEC bacterium at their apex. The combination of these actions is called the attachment and effacing (A/E) lesion.

Obviously they don't realize that being bold in the first place already draws your attention. But on the plus side, it gives me the freedom to completely ignore everything else in my notes, including explnations of the bold/italics/highlighted stuff. Take that, knowledge!

The "did I actually do that right?"
Probably the only useful method. This person actually picks the important stuff and highlights it. What a concept!

EPEC initially attach to enterocytes utilizing pili of the BFP type to form clustered microcolonies on the enterocyte cell surface. The lesion then progresses with effacement of the microvilli and changes in the cell morphology including the production of dramatic "pedestals" with these EPEC bacterium at their apex. The combination of these actions is called the attachment and effacing (A/E) lesion.

Of course, this is very difficult to do since the notes they give us are already the hgihlights of a lecture. If you highlight a highlight, it goes back to normal.

The "I need help"
Usually I'll be studying and I'll space out for 5-10 minutes. When I wake up, I'll get this pattern. This is from a random page, not the sample paragraph, with unhighlighted text removed.

Theodor Escherich...is going...to rise from...the...dead...and he...will kill...you...Burn...down the...school...to stop...him.

This happens to me all the time when I'm highlighting, but it's totally normal right guys? Right? Hello?

That's all the styles that I can think of off the top of my head. Now if you'll excuse me, I think it's time for somebody to stop undead Escherich (E. zombi). And that somebody is me.

VD

It's completely gray (or grey, if you prefer The Queen's English) outside, it's raining and we're learning about diseased vaginas in pathology and the cause of UTIs in micro lab. That can mean only one thing...it's Arizona's Birthday Valentine's Day!

I got Legal Counsel a box of Lucky Charms with the stars, horseshoes, clovers, blue moons, pots of gold, rainbows, and red balloons picked out...and eaten...by me. Some people might say I got her an almost empty box of cereal. But others will say I got her a box of candy hearts, which is romantic and sweet.

Well it turns out Legal Counsel falls into the first group. And she extinguished an entire box of fireplace matches one by one on my forearm to make sure that I never forget.

There are a lot of people out there who say that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday designed only to make people spend their money. These are miserable people and they probably always will be. Valentine's Day is an excuse to have fun, whether you're in a relationship or just celebrating with friends. And here's where it came from, courtesy of Wikipedia.

-----

Valentine's Day began in ancient Rome as Lupercalia, celebrated on February 15. Priests of the Luperci cult (who worshipped the wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus) would go to Lupercal (the cave where the wolf lived) and sacrifice two goats and a dog. The blood was then scattered in the streets to bring fertility and ward off wolves (which is ironic). If that's not romance, I don't know what is. Further, boys would draw girls' names from a box in honor of the goddess of sex and fertility (for unstated reasons, wink) in the festival of Juno Februata. Also

many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy.

Very sexy. No wonder "romance" comes from the Latin romanice meaning "in the Roman manner".

The Romans had a really kick-ass religion with tons of gods, lots of cool stories and freaky rituals. But they soon started getting brainwashed by christians, who have one god, depressing/judgemental stories and freaky rituals. So in 496, in an attempt to be rid of pagan beliefs, Lupercalia was replaced by the Feast of St. Valentine.

St. Valentine was a martyr who was imprisoned for aiding other martyrs in prison*. He converted his jailer by restoring sight to the jailer's blind daughter. Then he was tortured and beheaded...just like every other martyr. Zzzzzz.... Oh, sorry. Nodded off their for a second. Damn you, (comparatively) boring catholic mythology!

Let me think...killing animals, sprinkling blood, naked people hitting you with thongs, pulling names from hats OR some dude that got killed for helping other dudes. Ancient Rome 1, Modern Rome 0.

For your information, St. Valentine is the patron saint of the following things (among others): bee keepers, epilepsy, fainting, greeting card manufacturers, and plague. That's actually pretty cool, I must admit.

On Valentine's Day 1349, ~2000 Jews were burned to death by christians because the christians owed the jews money, so they blamed them for poisoning wells and killed them. Love, exciting and new....

The first association of Valentine's Day with love was by Geoffrey Chaucer (aka Paul Bettany) in 1382, when he said

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese [chose] his make [mate].

Chaucer is famous for his poor spelling. But you guys probably know him as the guy what helped Heath Ledger win over Shannyn Sossamon in A Knight's Tale. Uncultured bastards...

The French established the "High Court of Love" on Valentine's Day 1400. That's when French kissing was invented, just so it could be made illegal.

The oldest surviving Valentine was written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife, while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London. It read, "Roses are red / Violets are blue / For the love of god / Please don't let them cut my head off."

In the following years, it started to become more about romance and less about religion. Such is the fate of all things. Which brings us to modern times when, in 1969, the Church removed St. Valentines Day from its official calendar. February 14 is now dedicated to Saints Cyril and Methodius. These brothers went to Russia to convert Jewish Khazar, in both religion and language. And I'm sleepy again...

-----

So when you start badmouthing VD for being too commercial, just take a minute to consider its proud history of killing animals, hitting people with thongs, bee keepers, killing jews, Slavic languages and of course, love.




* Obviously this aid must have taken place before any of them actually became martyrs. Unless...ALTERNATE HISTORY...St. Valentine and ten other martyrs were killed and put in the Containment Unit (ghost prison) by the Ghostbusters. St. Valentine was removed from the Containment Unit for helping the other ghosts, at which point he was exorcised by Otho from Beetle Juice, using "The Handbook for the Recently Deceased." That's actually a pretty awesome story. I really should write a history book...

Huzzah!

This weekend I went to the Renaissance Festival with Legal Counsel, Wolverine and Lemon. Larkitect and Orange were going to join in the merriment, but they Frenched out at the last minute. You're both on notice!

Here's a picture of me in the process of devouring a turkey leg (or "turkey legg" as they spell it).

I'm like a starving vulture!

If you've never been, let me tell you that the Renaissance Festival is a lot of fun. But it always leaves me full of questions. Why does the festival attract so many obese people? Why so many redheads? (Legal Counsel's theory: it's the only place either group feels comfortable, even though redheads were burned as vampires back then) Why was there a guy dressed as an Ent? What kind of person devotes their life to recreating the Renaissance? How can I become that kind of person? Why was there a booth for talking to Einstein? Did I really have to let the king have his way with me? In hindsight I'm not sure he has any real power, and I wouldn't have been executed for saying "no." Who let the gypsies in?

But the biggest question I left with this year: will people 500 years from now have 20th Century Festivals? The 20th century was a pretty crazy time, so I wouldn't be surprised if it became a new focus for the Society for Creative Anachronisms (NAMBLA). Two world wars (which won't even compare to the 23rd century Galaxy Wars), scientific breakthroughs (which will be invalid by the 25th century), civil rights (race will be gone by then, replaced by "Antenna Discrimination"), Vanilla Ice, the Great Depression, Fraggle Rock...the list goes on and on.

So here's my view of how these 20th Century Festivals (20CF) will look, complete with historical inaccuracies and mistakes:

The Joust
The joust is a staple of the RenFest; four knights (Britain, Northern Isles, Spain and France) all ride horses and battle each other. At the 20CF, this will be slightly changed. Actors impersonating Hitler, Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin will ride Segways around an arena and fire muskets at each other. Hitler and Stalin will be allies despite the fact that they were enemies in the real world, but it's easier to have two good and two evil. Also, it will be Teddy Roosevelt instead of FDR. They'll be battling for the favor of Kaiser Wilhelm.

The Food
There's no doubt in my mind that people in the Renaissance ate turkey leggs, roasted corn, Steak on a Stake, and fried chicken while drinking mead, frozen margaritas and soda. To emulate our time, the 20CF will serve 5 pound hamburgers, Upton Sinclair's Canned Meats, (artificial) Dodo nuggets, gallon jugs of soda, cheap beer and bottlede heavy water. And it will all be infused with trans fats. It'll be a nice break from getting all your nutrients from pills and photosynthesis.

The Clothes
Most people at the 20CF will stay in their normal clothes - shiny-silver mylar jumpsuits and rocket boots. But those who want to get into character will wear 20th century clothes: JNCO jeans with polyester jackets, zoot suits with baseball hats, leg warmers with Fubu shirts, wool trousers with a "Frankie Says Relax" shirt. You get the idea.

The Beggar
The RenFest always had an amusingly silly street beggar. The 20CF will have an actor portraying a 20th Century homeless person. Baking a can of beans over a fire, carrying a bindle, singing songs for pocket change and sharing their wisdom with youngsters who will listen. You know, a completely accurate portrayal.

The Music
Wandering minstrels will be replaced with urban youths (probably in blackface because racism is cyclical, and because blackface occurred in the 20th Century) carrying around boomboxes and freestyle rapping. But people will be swing dancing to the music, ruining any semblance of accuracy.

The Contests
Archery contests and sword fights will be replaced by gun fights and...spear battles. We fought with spears in the last century, right?

The Jugglers
Jugglers will still be there. Juggling will always be cool.

The Village Idiot
George W Bush.

The Renaissance Festival
There will actually be a Renaissance Festival occurring within the 20CF, to demonstrate what we did for fun. There will also be a Dark Ages Festival within the Renaissance Festival within the 20th Century Festival. Trippy...



I can't wait for the future, so I can attempt to relive the past. It'll be awesome.

Professor Look-a-Like o' the Day

Today we shall be examining Dr. FriedChicken, professor of Immunology and Microbiology.

There you can see a picture of him trying to hide a pee stain. Don't be ashamed, Dr. FriedChicken. Let it show. You can probably see that he's the founder and president of the National Association of Martin Scorsese Look Alikes (NAMBLA):

Truth is, they're two halves of the same person. They're the modern equivalent of Janus. Dr. FriedChicken represents the more logical half of man, while Martin Scorsese represents creativity. If you look at the back of the head of one, you'll see another. Just like Professor Quirinus Quirrell. Obviously, Dr. FriedChicken is Voldemort. The other main difference between the two is that Dr. FriedChicken swears more and is much more violent.

Speaking of Martin Scorsese, he directed Cape Fear. I saw saw Cape Fear in the theatre when I was 8 years old. So if you've ever wondered how I turned out the way I am, there's your reason.

I'm not Stab Man. I'm not Knifey Boy. I'm the Blue Raja.

I've always been a fan of swiss army knives. I'm not sure why, but something about lots of tools packed into a small space fascinates me. Maybe that's why I spend so much time at the law school*. Thank you folks, I'll be here all night. Remember to tip your waitress.

I got a swiss army knife on my 16th birthday and I still use it all the time. I even tried to write a story about a kid who had swiss army knife hands when I was in elementary school. It was about a group of kids who became superheroes after their hands mutated into whatever they were holding at the time when a nuclear bomb went off. The other characters had hands made of spray paint cans, BB guns and pens/pencils. It was like a combination of Johnny Tremain and the X-Men...Johnny X-Main. In retrospect this was a horrible premise and more of a curse than a superpower. But in retrospect, all my childhood dreams are a sham. This is actually a really embarassing childhood memory since it shows how goofy I am, and I shouldn't have shared it.

I also enjoy the Leatherman...

Given that little backstory, you can understand my excitement when I saw this:

Wenger** has released a 8.75 inch, 2 pound 11 ounce swiss army knife with 85 features, costing $1,200.

I need this. Sure it might be difficult to carry, seeing as how I already have an 8.75 inch/2 pounds, 11 ounce tool in my pants. But it comes with two key rings! Carabiner on one, keys on the other and you're good to go.

You may ask yourself, "How do I work this?" And you may ask yourself, "Where is that large automobile?"

Ahem...sorry. Started channeling the Talking Heads there for a second. It won't happen again.

Where was I? Oh right. You may ask yourself, "How do I work this?" With your hands, silly. Nothing worth having comes easy***. Sure it might be a little cumbersome to the point of unusable, but it's worth the effort to know that you've got every possible circumstance covered. One second you're repairing a golf divot, the next you're making a classroom presentation. Golf divot repair tool? Check. Telescoping pointer? Check. It's like taking every tool you own and strapping them all to a brick. How cool is that??

You might be curious as to what features a $1,200 swiss army knife might have. Here are some highlights:

• Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
• Bike chain rivet setter
• Patented testicular torsion reversal tool
• Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
• Medium round soup spoon
• Fondue fork
• Watch caseback opening tool
• Decoupage brayer
• Pin punch 0.8mm
• Pin punch 1.2mm
• Langenbeck retractor
• Hemostat forceps
• Raspatory
• Reamer**
• Shortix key
• Shuriken
• Flashlight
• 5 golden rings
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Verity V91M Hard Disk Drive Degausser****

The sad thing is, I was trying to come up with ridiculous items and some of them were actually on the list. But I still want it.

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down...

* it would have been easy to make a D-Rock's mom joke, but I decided to take the high road...with a lawyer joke.
** giggle
*** I got that from Bob Kelso, Chief of Medicine at Sacred Heart.
**** When you need to orient the magnetic fields of your digital storage devices in completely random directions, rendering all information unrecoverable, think Verity. Verity Systems - quality since 1984

Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker

I think if most people who know me were asked to describe me, they'd probably start with "he's funny." I would disagree with that assessment - I simply say what's on my mind and people laugh at me. I'm like the sad clown; everybody's laughing except me. I kid, I kid. In my view I'm just a really weird guy, and I'm fortunate to be around people who find my bizarre behavior endearing rather than creepy. At least, more endearing than creepy. There's probably a mixture there.

So for most people, I'm the "funny guy." It's not a bad role to play. Sure it might be nice to be the "sexy guy" or the "smart guy," but it's a fair shake better than being the "ugly guy" or the "smelly guy" or the "dumb guy" or the "D-Rock," which is kind of a mixture of all three. Plus, being the funny guy means that if we're all transported to an alternate dimension populated by superheroes and villains, there's a good chance I'll turn into the Joker (in the case of a DC Universe) or Deadpool (in a Marvel Universe). but that goes without saying.

There is one major problem for me in being the funny guy: I don't know any jokes. I like to make smart-ass comments about the situations in which I find myself, but I don't really have any memorized jokes on hand. So when somebody approaches me and says, "I hear you're funny, tell me a joke," I usually have to respond with, "I hear you're smart, prove the Hodge Conjecture."

I do have a couple jokes I use on a regular basis. What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. And the joke that made Legal Counsel fall in love with me: [curl and uncurl your fingers and thumb while moving your hand past somebody's face]What's this? A flock of these [repeat, but only with the index finger]

I think the first reason for my aversion to prefabricated jokes is bad memories of jokes as a kid. Back then you would get material primarily from 4 sources: paperback joke books, popsicle sticks, Laffy Taffy and that family member (usually an uncle or grandfather) who doesn't know what is appropriate for a kid. And while Crazy Uncle Carl's jokes were fun, the rest were horrible. Do you remember those jokes? They sucked! "What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music!" Hyar hyar hyar...I hate jokes.

The other reason for my lack of jokes is the lack of options in joke style. The most popular type seems to be the narrative joke. "Two guys walk into a _____...[dialogue]...[punchline]." Way too much work. I usually get about half-way into the joke before getting bored with it. So the joke usually ends up like this:

Two guys are walking in the woods when one of the guys gets shot accidentally by a hunter wielding a Winchester Model 70 Bolt-Action Rifle. The other guy pulls out his GlobalStar GSP-1600 Satellite Phone and calls 911. The operator answers with, "911, what is your emergency?" The man says, "I think my friend is dead!" The operator replies...sigh...the operator replies, "poop fart." The end

I also forgot to mention that I sell advertising space in my jokes.

Our next option is knock-knock jokes, which to me are the pinnacle in modern comedy. Just check out the comments on Ah Jota's blog. Unfortunately, most people see Knockers (as we call them in the biz) as childish and immature. Well I've got a message for you. Knock knock? (who's there) Go to hell, jerk! I suppose I'll have to wait for comedy theorists to catch up to the glory of Knockers.

The last option is the question-and-answer joke. All of my standard jokes listed above are Q & A style, so I must like them. They're a little simple, but they work. "What do you call a rhino with multiple STDs? D-Rock's mom!" See, they're fun. But I've never bothered to memorize many of them. Feels to much like plagiarism, and I like to save my plagiarism for homework and scientific journals.

I think I'll just stick with my normal brand of comedy for now. 1) Somebody says or does something 2) I make a smart-ass sarcastic comment 3) Some people laugh, others don't 4) Somebody asks me to repeat that because they didn't hear. It's no longer funny, and I can't remember what I said anyway. I start crying and everybody's evening is ruined. Ta-da!

Venting

Another not-quite-so-funny post today, sorry. I've just got something stuck in my craw. Jammed right in there. So I'm going to vent.

I'm not a fan of stereotypes. Really, who is? Sure I'll use them for comedic effect sometimes, usually exagerrated to an absurd extent to reveal how ridiculous they are. And sometimes I'll make up new because it's fun. Did you know Russians subsist on a diet consisting entirely of diabetic testing strips?

Anyway, there's one kind of stereotype that I hate more than all others: stereotypes about me. Judging other books by their covers is understandable, but judging the Book of Montgomery? Unthinkable. So you can understand how upset I might get when people validate those stereotypes.

The event today which has my panties so tightly in a bunch actually played directly into two separate stereotypes. First, that doctors are arrogant*. And second, that men are misogynistic**.

Three of my "peers" were gathered in the lounge whilst I played foosball with some less sleazy gentlemen. For anonymity, I'll call the jerks Germs, Huck and Kodiak. They were discussing our Guy Smiley-esque professor, Dr. Bustamonte.

Before I go on, I should describe Bustamonte. She did her residency in pathology, which isn't easy to get into, and a fellowship in renal pathology, which is even more difficult. So she's smart, and she probably knows more about kidneys than any of us ever will. And for the sake of the story, I have to mention that she's not bad looking. Not that I ever look at women. I love you, Legal Counsel! Please don't hurt me...

So the conversation I overheard went as follows (the exact speakers and words might be inaccurate, but the general concept is accurate):

Huck: Was Bustamonte there?
Germs: Yeah, not that she contributed.
Kodiak: Nice to look at, but not much upstairs.
Germs: Just a warm place to stick your _____.
Kodiak: Pretty much.
Germs: Just a warm place to stick your _____.
Huck: Yeah.

Yes, he said it twice. He thinks he's clever, so when he doesn't get a laugh he repeats himself.

What a bunch of jerks. She knew everything about all the renal diseases she covered - they just had their heads up their collective asses. They just assume that since she's a non-ugly woman, she must be dumb. Justifying two stereotypes at the same time, quite a feat.

I might not care so much, writing them off as a group of assholes, if not for the fact that they're in my class. When they make themselves look bad, they make the rest of us look bad by association. And I sure as hell don't want to be grouped with them. I'm just glad we were tucked away where (hopefully) nobody overheard. Grumble grumble...

The worst part is, Kodiak joined in. I had Kodiak pegged as the nicest guy in the class. Now he's fallen to the level of Germs and Huck. Jibbly. I guess the "nicest guy" mantle now falls on the shoulders of Kevin Dim. Congrats!

What should I write about tomorrow? I'm thinking of Dr. Jabba the Hutt, MD; Episode I: The Phantom Pain.

And I'm disappointed in myself for not doing this yesterday. [Montgomery runs away]

[Montgomery runs back] Near!
[Montgomery runs away again] Far!
[Montgomery runs back] Near! Oh Grover, you so crazy...

* sure I'm arrogant, but at least give me a chance to prove it myself.
** when you think about it, "misogynist" isn't such a bad word. You've got "miso" which is delicious, and "gyn" which is great, then the suffix "ist." Sounds good to me!

The Food Album

Last week when I was looking for food, I peeked into my fridge and saw the following:

• 1 whole Chipotle burrito, purchased entirely to get a free t-shirt
• Leftover Claim Jumper, which was the only place open on a Monday night
• Leftover Bumstead's sandwich
• Leftover Trident sandwich
• 3 human toes, 1 with nail polish
• Some kind of mycology experiment which Legal Counsel warned "don't touch if you value your life"*
• Homemade (from a package) brownies
• Condiments

As you can see, I'm one step away from being the unnamed narrator of Fight Club. "A house full of condiments and no food." But what separates me from Edward Norton's character, aside from the fact that I lack an anarcho-primitivistic nihilist alter-ego** and that I have a better body, is that my fridge does contain some food. Lots and lots of leftovers.

The odds are stacked against me when it comes to cooking myself. That's cooking my own food, not "cooking myself." Although I would be delicious. Montgomery is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, Montgomery-kabobs, Montgomery creole, Montgomery gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple Montgomery, lemon Montgomery, coconut Montgomery, pepper Montgomery, Montgomery soup, Montgomery stew, Montgomery salad, Montgomery and potatoes, Montgomery burger, Montgomery sandwich. That- that's about it.

Whoa, sorry. Slipped into a whole Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue thing just then. As I was about to say, let's look at the reasons I've been groomed to not cook:

• I was raised on restaurant food. We always went out when I was a kid
• Living in the dorms is not conducive to cooking
• I always end up trying to make raw chicken sashimi, and it never ends well
• Legal Counsel doesn't let me near the stove after "the incident." Speaking of which, let me just apologize to the state of Maine. It was an accident, guys. Let it go.
• Med school expects us to be in class 7 hours, and study, and attempt some form of physical activity, and cook dinner, and play XBox 360? Unrealistic. One of those things has to go, and it sure as hell ain't going to be my XBox. So long cooking. Let's also throw out physical activity for good measure. Pretty soon I'm going to turn into Jabba the Hutt. Scratch that...Dr. Jabba the Hutt, MD. "Hi chuba da naga? Wa wanna coe moulee rah?"

But now I'm trying to slip out of my beginning-of-the-semester restaurant binge, and slide my way into home-cooking. Legal Counsel and I went to Trader Joe's and collected up the choicest offerings of fresh foods and hippy crap. Trader Joe's worries me, though, because most of the people shopping there are either sickly thin, dirty or just plain gross. I'm not going to turn into one of them am I?

So last night I tried my hand and cooking and made...drumroll...a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! D licious. I even cut it into 4 triangles, which makes it even more tastey.

Which brings me to the whole reason I decided to write this post: why does cutting something ever so slightly different make it taste ever so much better? Man, I'm really long winded. It took me 500 words to get to the point.

But think about it: a PB&J is succulent, but a PB&J sliced into little triangles or squares is extra succulent. French fries are a classic, but crinkle-cut french fries are orgasmic. Green beans are pretty boring, but freedom cut green beans are great. Uncut penis is creepy and almost elephantine, but cut penis is a work of art***. The list goes on and on.

I guess I didn't actually have much to say about the subject. I should have left it as an observation, not as the central subject of a blog post. That's what i get for blogging hungry. Wait, did I just refer to circumsized penis as a tasty food? This...this is awkward. Hey, look out behind you! [Montgomery runs away]


* I'm not sure if the specimen was dangerous, or if she was threatening me. Either way, I'm scared.
** My other personality is more of a contextualist with just a whisper of anti-realism
*** with all due respect to my uncut readers

[Montgomery runs back]One more thing, and this is mostly for the med students because I couldn't find a picture of the professor. Does anybody else think Dr. Bustamonte (not her real name) looks like a female version of Everybody's Favorite Game Show Host, Guy Smiley?

I love Muppets...[Montgomery runs away again, arms flailing]

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

This year's World Series Bowl was a real...nail-biter? The Cubs lost to the Horseshoes, 29-17. Or something like that. I really don't know sports.

But what I do know are commercials. I've been letting commercials control my life for roughly seventeen years now. Starting with which toys to buy, then which alcohols to illegally drink because its cool, and nowadays which drugs not to do because they're uncool and which toys to buy, I've been under the advertising world's control almost my entire life. So I know a thing or two about commercials.

Or maybe I don't. USA Today (which Colbert aptly points out is really about USA yesterday) ran a poll of 238 adults to see which ads were most popular. Why 238? Because they wanted a number which easily converted to an accurate math equation (2^3=8) and marks a significant event in Roman History (the Year of Six Emperors). They tried 459 (4+5=9, and the death of Simeon Stylites), but they couldn't get that many volunteers.

Anyway, the 238 adults they did get had opinions greatly differing from my own. Here are my top 6 ads:

1. Garmin GPS vs. Map Monster
2. Factory robot is fired, takes own life
3. Emerald Nuts and Robert Goulet
4. K-Fed not realizing he's being openly mocked on air
5. Heart man vs. heart diseases (even though it made diabetes look damn cool)
6. The one they kept playing with the guys throwing the ball around

Aside from Goulet and the robot (which didn't even crack the top 10), they were all near the bottom. Garmin, my favorite, was actually ranked as 4th worst. When will middle America learn to accept the beauty of Japanese monster battles??

Calm down, Montgomery. Don't let that Matrix-looking chick drop kick your heart. Maybe people just don't understand the ads...or understand that Carlos Mencia is untalented, unfunny and only appeals to people's racist, bigoted sides. It's my job to explain these commercials.

Gramin GPS vs. Map Monster
On the surface, this appears to be a play on the Japanese Monster Movie Genre (JMMG). But really it's a nuanced expression of the modern struggle between old and new methods. High-tech vs. low-tech, digital vs. analog, paper vs. plastic. A tour-de-force of social analysis and criticism. Really quite brilliant. It's also fun to deride Japanese pop culture; somebody finally had the guts to take Ultraman down a peg or three.

Factory Robot is fired, takes own life.
The beauty of this commercial comes from its irony. The factory working robot (who obviously lives in America, based on subsequent scenes) is fired from his job, tries desperately to make something of his tattered life, and ultimately kills himself. This commercial was made by GM, one of the worst offenders when it comes to laying-off its own loyal American factory workers in favor of cheaper Mexican labor. No tricksy metaphors here: the robot is the American worker. GM is essentially bragging about its ability to fire workers with no regard for their lives, often leading to homelessness and suicide. It's ironic that they would choose to advertise one of their greatest faults. Hence, comedy. Tragic comedy. Tragicomedy.

Emerald Nuts and Robert Goulet
Goulet!

K-Fed not realizing he's being openly mocked on air
K-Fed is a no-talent assclown with delusions of grandeur who is only famous because he married that white trash chick what's-her-face. But that's why we love him. So it's fun to see him in a commercial. But it's even more fun to realize that America is laughing at him, not with him. And he'll never understand that.

Heart Man vs. Heart Disease
It takes an important public health lesson and converts it to a medium America can understand: fighting. It's really what we do best. Too bad it made the diseases look cooler than the healthy heart. The diseases were Matrix-esque ass-kickers, while the heart was an unsuspecting goofball. It made me want to get diabetes, obesity and high blood pressure (actually, i've already got that one). Next time make the heart a good ol' american white boy in church, and make the diseases bomb-wielding brown skinned people. Every America knows that brown skinned people are terrorists, or at the very least trying to take our jobs. duh.

I hope this clears things up. I should really go into the ad industry...